‘Animals don’t do hammies’: Brad Fittler’s cooked theory is chilling reminder for NSW

A bizarre theory floated by Brad Fittler prompted footy fans from one state to breathe a collective sigh of relief over the weekend.

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For the first time ever, nobody will bat an eyelid when we name another madcap line-up with three wingers on the bench and a halves combo of Terry Campese and Madonna because, for once, it will be out of necessity instead of lunacy.

The Blues have been hit hard by rugby league’s mass injury plague, with wet weather, fatigue and the ‘six again’ rule pinging sinews across the country like mobile phone towers.

This has left the state so drained for replacements that our search has stretched from reserve grade to microfiche, but thankfully there’s a silver lining.

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However grim this injury crisis gets, at least Brad Fittler won’t be addressing it with two sprigs of rosemary and a 10-minute cameo in the centres for Nicho Hynes.

Michael Maguire’s appointment as new NSW coach has guaranteed that whatever happens in this year’s series, we Blues fans are already the winners.

Why? Because even if we go down 3-0 with a side of infirms and guide dogs, at least it’ll be playing to orthodox, room temperature instructions that won’t earn the praise of Pete Evans.

Watch Brad Fittler’s injury plague theory in the video above

The NRL is experiencing a hamstring injury crisis.

Yep, the state of NSW is missing Nathan Cleary, Tom Trbojevic, Cam Murray and 250 physios who’ve been hauled away on standby, and we couldn’t be happier.

After six years of chaos, we’re buzzing for the thrill of straightforward selections, steady-as-she-goes strategy and press conferences without subtitles.

Be under no illusions: NSW has become a state of bloodshot drifters and we desperately need a coach like Maguire.

That’s because he’s more rigid than Johnny Unitas’ haircut, whereas Fittler had become too “experimental” and “eccentric” — aka “random” and “cooked”.

And if you disagree, cast your mind back to The Sunday Footy Show last weekend when the former coach weighed in to the injury debate.

While making salient points about “player stress” contributing to the spate of soft tissue ailments, his view that “animals don’t do hammies” sent a collective chill from Byron to Bega.

“Animals don’t do hammies,” Fittler said.

“What you talk about is the stress on the other side of what they’re doing at training.

“They’re trying to get better, trying to do this, living up to our expectations. They’ve got families, children, you know, like there’s a whole lot going on.

“And, you know, whether it’s, you know, wearing out of the muscles or it’s just, you know, playing tight and not having that flexibility that, you know, you might have if you weren’t under, stress or pressure.

“Stress has a lot to do with a lot of injuries, without doubt. You know, just, you know, what it’s like when you’re when you’re under pressure, your neck gets tighter and straight away, your whole body gets tighter.”

Brad Fittler went full woo woo. (Photo by Brendon Thorne/Getty Images)

Can a herbal tea fix Tommy Turbo’s hammies? Pic: NRL PHOTOS

Whether you were haunted by the image of Ronnie Palmer working on a dog’s quad - or just the fact Paul Gallen agreed - it was a trademark veer in to the absurd by Fittler that triggered traumatic memories of picking Tevita Pangai Jr and the wrong Saifiti brother.

Sure, Fittler won three series in his tenure, and nobody will forget how alive we felt when he revamped the side with young blood and devil-may-care footy.

But when he continually buried his colossal talent advantage under a downpour of mental rissoles, it ultimately left us wondering how we’d allowed our state to be left in the control of a llama farmer.

There could be merit in comparing Cleary’s hamstrings to that of Friesian cow’s - I’m not saying there isn’t - but sorry, we’re not interested in any more dark web theorem after six years living more off-piste than on.

Mitch Moses might have one game to make his NSW audition. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

Adam Reynolds, another NSW halves option, is out with a torn bicep. Photo: Scott Davis/NRL Imagery.

It simply reminded us Fittler lives in a heliocentric orbit 15,000 light years away from civilization, and it’s still not far enough from our footy side to feel safe.

In summary, Madge is overseeing a throbbing casualty ward that could get trounced, but at least he won’t be looking for answers in the horoscope.

So whether it’s seeing players picked in their positions, training in boots, or even just tucking in to 250 beers on bonding night instead of chamomile and the complete works of Eckhart Tolle, his new era has already delivered without kicking a ball.
No injury crisis will bring us down, except on the scoreboard.

— Dane Eldridge is a warped cynic yearning for the glory days of rugby league, a time when the sponges were magic and the Mondays were mad. He’s never strapped on a boot in his life, and as such, should be taken with a grain of salt.

Originally published as ‘Animals don’t do hammies’: Brad Fittler’s cooked theory is chilling reminder for NSW