Mitchell Johnson exclusive: Everything changed the day my mate Phillip died

IN an exclusive extract from his book, former Australian fast bowler Mitchell Johnson has opened on how the death of close mate Phillip Hughes changed the life of so many.

Mitchell Johnson has opened up in book about the death of Phillip Hughes on his life

I THINK I was in as good a place with my cricket as I had ever been, but my love of the game was put into perspective before the start of the 2014–15 season.

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Not many people loved cricket as much as Phillip Hughes did.

When he died – two days after being struck in the neck by a ball – it was hard to love it or play it the same way I had when he was alive. That horrible tragedy changed so many things.

I feel so awful for his family. The impact his passing had on the rest of us is irrelevant by comparison but it’s there.

“I wrestled with the fact that it could have been me. I wasn’t scared of being hurt; I was terrified that it could have been me that hurt him.”

I was never the same bowler after Phillip died. They put his picture up in the dressing room at the first Test against India and I found it hard to look at.

He was so happy in his cricket. He would hunker down at the crease and get so focused on batting, but that beaming smile was always just a moment away.

When they played those highlight reels on television I cried. I cried a lot at random times. I think everyone did.

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For some time I wondered if I would ever be able to do what it is I do again.

I wrestled with the fact that it could have been me. I wasn’t scared of being hurt; I was terrified that it could have been me that hurt him. Or somebody else.

It was my job to intimidate batsmen. To bowl short and fast. To make them play from the fear of being hit by the ball. I questioned all of that.

“I cried a lot at random times. I think everyone did.”

And when I did bowl a bouncer and hit Virat Kohli on the helmet in Adelaide during the first Test match after Hughesy’s death, I felt sick.

I couldn’t drop short with any conviction for a long time after that.

When Phillip died I struggled with guilt because I remembered how I used to pepper him in the nets, how on one occasion I let my anger get the better of me and took all my frustrations out on him.

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I had no idea the consequences could be fatal – that never crossed my mind or anyone’s and the memory of that session filled me with dread.

Cricket lost a little bit of its soul when Phillip died. I know I am not alone when I say I struggled to commit to the game again and I don’t think it is a coincidence that so many of us finished up after that.

We knew it was only a game, but we fooled ourselves that it was the most important thing there was.

Suddenly, it was put into context and didn’t matter that much.

“Cricket lost a little bit of its soul when Phillip died.”

You get that sense that cricket isn’t all there is a bit when you get married and a bit more when you have kids, but it was nothing compared to the way we felt when this tragedy happened.

There was a lot of talk about playing the game and doing what he wanted but I can tell you it all felt pretty hollow.