British Olympic icon Victoria Pendleton opens up on suicidal thoughts

British Olympic cycling champion Victoria Pendleton has made the dark revelation that she planned on taking her own life.

Victoria Pendleton after winning Keiren gold at the 2012 London Olympics.

Former Olympic champion Victoria Pendleton revealed on Tuesday she once considered committing suicide.

British cyclist Pendleton has suffered with mental health issues in the past and she has exposed just how bleak the situation became.

The 38-year-old, who retired from cycling after winning gold at the London 2012 Olympics, was diagnosed with severe depression after returning home from an aborted charity climb of Mount Everest.

She also separated from Scott Gardner, her husband for five years, in 2018, saying the couple had “grown apart”.

Pendleton described how she planned to use drugs to take her own life, saying she knew exactly what to take and how long she would have to live.

“It wasn’t even like I was really upset about it. I just felt numb,” Pendleton told the Daily Telegraph.

“I felt horribly guilty for even considering it (killing herself).

“I said to my mum, ‘Please would you forgive me (if I killed myself)?’ Obviously, it was very upsetting for her to hear that.

“But I really wanted my family to be able to forgive me. Because ... I wouldn’t do it to hurt them on purpose. You just can’t understand how much I was suffering on the inside.”

Pendleton with longtime rival Anna Meares of Australia.

Her revelation comes just days after American pairs figure skating champion John Coughlin took his own life at his house in Kansas City.

After suffering a panic attack at a friend’s house, Pendleton sought help. She also turned to former British Cycling psychiatrist Steve Peters, who she telephoned during her darkest moment.

“It must have been about 6.30am,” she said. “I had been awake for hours. “I remember lying there with tears rolling down the side of my face. Not really crying, but just feeling a sense of hopelessness. I was so low. So helpless.

“And I just thought, ‘I don’t want to see tomorrow’. I’m so grateful that he (Peters) picked up because I don’t think I would be here if he hadn’t.”

Pendleton, whose weight had dropped considerably, moved in with her mother in Hertfordshire for a time.

Pendleton helped carry the baton at the launch of The Queen's Baton Relay for the XXI Commonwealth Games.

A subsequent holiday in France made her feel she had “turned a corner” before she embarked on a surfing trip to Costa Rica.

“I guess it was a very unconventional thing to do,” she added. “It was against the recommendation of my family and almost everyone else.

“They were like ‘you’re going to travel by yourself. Be on your own. If you feel bad who is going to be there for you?’

“But I just really wanted to do it. To try to find my own way through it. I came back from Costa Rica feeling 50 per cent better.”

If you or someone you know needs help, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au.

—AFP

Originally published as British Olympic icon Victoria Pendleton opens up on suicidal thoughts