Who to barrack for if your footy team isn't playing in the AFL Grand Final

YOUR GUIDE HERE: HAWTHORN or Fremantle? It's enough to make supporters of the other 16 clubs sick. But if you had to pick one....

Fremantle skipper Matthew Pavlich needs your support, if you can stomach the thought. Picture: Wayne Ludbey

HAWTHORN or Fremantle? It's enough to make supporters of the other 16 clubs sick. But if you had to pick one...

Read on for a guide on which team supporters from each club should support tomorrow.

ADELAIDE: (Freo)
Any Adelaide fan who reckons they didn't barrack a little bit for Freo when super megastar Tony Modra left West Lakes for Western Australia is probably lying. You've done it once, you can do it again. Get on the Mod Squad.

BRISBANE: (Hawks)
Hawthorn gave you Leigh Matthews, who gave you three premierships in three years. It's as simple as that. Haw-forn.

Grand Final day barbecue guide

CARLTON: (Freo)
Remember back in the 1980s when you had to share your home ground with that disgusting mob from the leafy east? What a bloody disgrace that was. Don't move on. Dig up the old grudge and embrace it.

COLLINGWOOD: (Freo)
James Clement. Brodie Holland. Paul "The Feral Kid" Medhurst. Leigh Brown. Freo rejects you adopted as your own and grew to love. You're halfway there, so throw in the fact that you can’t beat Hawthorn and take joy in watching someone else do it instead.

ESSENDON: (Freo)
Do you recall Adam McPhee? Started his career at Fremantle before he came to your club. Thankfully, Freo agreed to take him back. For that you should be eternally grateful. Repay that gratitude with your support today. You know it makes sense.

GEELONG: (Freo)
Just a few weeks ago you stood at the ballot box and voted, not for the political party you loved the most but for the one you hated the least. It's exactly the same scenario today. Freo. At a pinch.

GOLD COAST (Draw)
The only thing better than watching the Grand Final at, let's say, the Mermaid Beach Surf Lifesaving Club while drinking icy cold $2.50 schooners of Victorian beer in stunning weather as we shiver down south, is doing exactly the same thing again next week. Lucky buggers. Back the draw.

GWS: (Freo)
My buddy, Pauline from Essendon, has a son, Jeremy, who barracks for GWS because he likes the orange on their jumpers. Hawthorn’s jumper looks like poos and wees. Toddlers and their parents spend enough of their formative years dealing with and wearing poos and wees. Pick purple.

MELBOURNE (Freo)
Fre-o, rhymes with snow,
Only know the numbers not their names you know.
Got my ski lift pass and love the Alpine Road,
I am a Melbourne Docker.
 
NORTH MELBOURNE: (Freo)
In the past you worshipped Josh Gibson. Now you think he's just a one-dimensional turncoat Hawthorn hack who gets exposed in finals because the only thing he can do is spoil. Crack a bottle of Shinboner Spirit right over his head today. Go Freo.

PORT ADELAIDE (Freo)
Visualise Kochie. Imagine Hawthorn is Mel Doyle – you know, been around a while, had a good go but getting a bit drab and in need of a service and a paint job. Suddenly Samantha Armytage appears like a breath of fresh air. Think Fremantle. Kochie wants you to.

RICHMOND: (Freo)
Q: Why did the Irish get the potatoes and the Arabs get the oil?
A: Because the Irish had first choice.
2004: AFL draft, pick four. Richmond takes Tambling. Hawthorn gets Franklin at pick five. You wear that draft disaster like a badge of honour. Anchors away.

ST KILDA: (Hawthorn)
When Ross Lyon was your coach, you played finals. You strangled sides. You were really good. Almost great. Now look at the bloody joint. It's a rabble. Shambolic. A disgrace. But don't blame yourself, blame Ross. It's his fault. He left. Go Hawks.

SYDNEY SWANS: (Freo)
Thought beating Hawthorn last year was fantastic? Then imagine watching the best team of the home-and-away season implode on the big stage on the same day again this year. Dock on.

WESTERN BULLDOGS: (Freo)
You're a Bulldog. You don't believe in fairytales. They suck. Don't get seduced by all this Brian Lake romanticizing bulls***. EJ wouldn't stand for it. Get down to a $2 Shop in Barkly St, buy an inflatable anchor and STICK IT RIGHT UP 'EM!

WEST COAST: (Hawks)
You're probably already in the car heading north to Geraldton, or Broome, or Darwin, busting to get out of the place. Just in case. At least the flights out of Perth will be cheaper next week if things go wrong and Fremantle wins. Pray for Hawthorn.