What happens if Nathan Fyfe wins the Brownlow? AFL emergency plan revealed

NEVER fear, the AFL has an emergency plan in case Freo’s Nathan Fyfe tops the Brownlow voting despite being suspended — twice. Read on ...

The 2013 Fremantle Football Club Fairest and Best - The DOIG Medal, at Perth Convention Exhibition Centre. pictured - DOIG Medal winner Nathan Fyfe

THE season is 2014. The night is Brownlow. Rookie AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan is pacing the halls of Crown Palladium, his first time reading the votes the furthest thing from his mind.

He doesn’t care about mispronouncing Kolodjashnij, or even how long he should pause any time a Geelong player with a first name starting with J gets a vote. He is only worried about calling one name — Fremantle, N. Fyfe.

BROWNLOW TRACKER: EVERY GAME, EVERY PLAYER, EVERY VOTE

It’s showtime. Gillon makes his way to the podium and welcomes the guests. No need to be too formal. Gillon’s not like regular CEOs, he’s a cool-hip CEO. He played amateur football.

It’s Round 2. When Fyfe’s name is mentioned in the post-round summary, Gillon has a coughing fit into the microphone. “Apologies,” he says, “I appear to have drunk my Carlton Draught a little too quickly.” He raises the half-empty sponsor’s glass for all to see. He’s killing it.

We won’t be seeing this tonight ... and not just because that’s the Doig Medal for Freo’s best-and-fairest.

It’s Round 12. Halfway there. Everything appears to be going to plan. Gary Ablett has a healthy lead. They’ve crossed to him 15 times.

Round 16. The end is in sight. Then it happens — the great white hope from the northeast goes down. Gillon glances to the wings, where his second in command is standing at the ready. “Is Gary far enough in front?” his face says. No.2 returns the glance. His says “Any chance I can get some of that chicken?”. Gillon narrows his eyes. “You’ll be fed when this is all over.”

It’s Round 19. Gillon’s only hope is Joel Selwood. He checks to see if free kicks from high tackles can retroactively count as votes. They cannot.

Gillon McLachlan is a pro behind the microphone. Picture: Jay Town

Round 23. Fremantle, N. Fyfe leads by two votes. The final game to be called is Geelong v Brisbane.

“1 Vote ... Geelong, J. Bartel.

“2 Votes ... Geelong, J. Kelly.

“Surely that means …

“3 Votes ... Geelong, J …”

Everyone holds their collective breath. Gillon smirks to himself before reading the final, fateful word.

“…Rivers.”

Everyone halts in momentary shock, including Jared Rivers, who now has the most votes of anyone who has worn a Melbourne jumper post-2000. He has four.

Gillon signals to his No.2. The lights go out. The broadcast goes dead, and instead the television audience is treated to an extended montage of Nick Maxwell’s best marking contests, called “Man Getting Hit In Fist By Football”.

The guests scramble to their phones for light and Twitter, but they stop when a giant face is projected on a screen before them.

“Hi. I’m respected media analyst, Richo. I think we can all agree that we’re glad that Chris Judd is the deserving winner of the 2014 Brownlow Medal. Chris Judd good, Nat Fyfe bad. Chris Judd good, Nat Fyfe bad. Chris Judd. Chris Judd. Judd. Judd. Judd.”

Gillon got the idea from Zoolander.

With the video complete, a baffled Chris Judd stands at the winner’s podium, thanking the AFL and his teammates.

After a successful night, Gillon McLachlan, AFL CEO, strolls off into the distance. He’s got a date with a blackjack table.

Do not adjust your sets.

James Faulkner is a Melbourne screenwriter.

Originally published as What happens if Nathan Fyfe wins the Brownlow? AFL emergency plan revealed