What the hell happened to Married At First Sight?

I’m a total reality TV tragic and I really believe in the healing magic of a funny, chaotic, romantic reality series that lets you escape your own life but the latest season of MAFS has me screaming “mayday”, writes Eliza Barr.

The next time someone asks you why you’re single, tell them about this season of Married At First Sight.

Sure, marrying a stranger on TV was never going to easy, but there’s something about the latest season of MAFS that screams “mayday!”.

I am a total reality TV tragic and I really believe in the healing magic of a funny, chaotic, romantic reality series that lets you escape your own life, even for an hour on a Tuesday night.

But this season of MAFS isn’t helping me escape. It’s pitching me, screaming, directly into the harsh reality of the dating scene in 2019.

Give me a woman who dates men and I’ll show you someone who has had their time wasted by a Mike.

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There are Mikes everywhere, but there are especially Mikes at Coogee Pavilion (along with every single middling Bachelorette reject who has 20,000 Instagram followers and a profile full of fake shirtless candids).

A Mike bowls you over with his wit and charm and, God help you, his perfect smile, before ruining you for all other men by promising his lasting commitment to boot. Here are my biceps, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as we both shall live.

It’s a dream. Until it turns out those rippling abs are covering up a deep and abiding resistance to anything serious of any kind at all.

“Not your therapist” Mike and his wife, Heidi. Picture: Channel 9

On their honeymoon Mike played the attentive, affectionate, sexy husband to Heidi’s fabulous hair and amazing energy — but only until she wanted to talk about something real.

“I’m not your therapist,” Mike says.

No, Mike, you’re not. You’re actually not anything at all except a waste of my time. I mean Heidi’s time. I mean all of our time, Mike, you’re just a waste of a very nice jawline.

The appalling behaviour we’ve seen on this season of MAFS is a devastating indictment on what dating is like in this day and age.

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The pool of available people is littered with Mikes who are looking for a lover instead of a life partner, Sams who (incorrectly) think they are better than everyone and are going to tell you about it, and Ines’ who are going to shriek maniacally at you every time you want to go parasailing before forcibly plucking out your facial piercings.

(I mean, you probably want to avoid people who shriek maniacally for any reason, to be fair. And don’t take your piercings out for anyone, babe, you just live your truth.)

Ines attacking her husband on a boat is not what I signed up for. Picture: Channel 9

MAFS, this is not what I signed up for. I signed up for hope, I signed up for love, I signed up for the lofty dream that you can actually find your perfect partner and live happily ever after. I signed up for Cam and Jules, for crying out loud.

I did not sign up for secret Instagram messages between people who aren’t *married* to each other. I did not sign up for people who can’t or won’t work through their hang-ups and their flaws in the pursuit of love.

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I did not sign up for the kind of abject terror I feel that men like Sam and women like Ines are out there looking for their next conquest once they’re done bullying their current partners, putting them down and subjecting them to blatant abuse.

And I really, really did not sign up for a traumatising daily re-enactment of every appalling bloke who has ever wasted a woman’s time before revealing himself to be nothing but a nice face with impossible commitment phobia and the emotional range of a teaspoon.

I’m not even having fun anymore, MAFS!

I just want to go back to the way things were before.

It’s not me. It’s you.

@ElizaJBarr