Three things men can learn from Mal’s apology
KANGAROOS captain Mal Meninga did something almost unheard of from a man: he admitted he was wrong and apologised, writes Michael Mann.
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TODAY I read something so rare and amazing I nearly fell off my chair.
A public figure said they were wrong and apologised.
A quick rundown for those who don’t follow rugby league — Sam Thaiday, longtime Rugby League forward, prankster and team elder for Queensland and Australia, was omitted from the Australian Kangaroos World Cup team.
Traditionally, when these kind of calls are made, a player is notified beforehand by the coach, particularly if they have a history together, which Thaiday and Kangaroos Coach Mal Meninga do.
Thaiday found out he wasn’t selected via a story in the media and vented his frustration on social media. Fair enough.
Thaiday was a key player in setting the new culture for the Kangaroos team, and has played every role asked of him for a number of years, including earlier this year.
Instead of waiting for the issue to die down, and without referring to a PR team and one of those carefully worded statements we see all too often these days, Meninga did something increasingly rare — he owned his mistake.
He admitted his error and apologised.
In the grand scheme of things, this wasn’t a screw up for the ages. Meninga didn’t murder anyone or get drunk and punch a woman. But it mattered greatly to a couple of people.
And it does matter to see “I was wrong and I’m sorry” modelled in public life.
The coach could have said: “He knows how it is — he’ll be right. It’s a professional game and he wasn’t up to standard. We’re not playing tiddlywinks.”
And all that would have technically been true.
Refreshingly though, a relationship that went beyond just a sporting contract was treated with value. An admission of wrongdoing, an expression of regret and an apology. You might even call it mateship.
You might think I’m making a lot out of something fairly inconsequential, but there’s plenty to learn from the way Meninga handled his mistake, in particular for men and more specifically, fathers.
I don’t know if Meninga’s a model father or citizen, but these days lessons like this are rare, so you have to take them where and when you can get them.
Lesson one — listen
Taking the time to shut your mouth and just let someone else express what’s going on in their head and their heart shows you respect them.
Emotions don’t always make sense and sometimes it takes getting them out to actually be able to process them.
Sometimes you just have to wear someone’s anger while they get it out. One wise person put it this way: “To be heard is so close to being loved that most people can’t tell the difference.”
I’ve got two boys — aged three and five — and I constantly fail at reminding myself not to disregard what they’re feeling. Sure, it’s only a Paw Patrol toy that can’t be found, but in the eyes of a three year old, that Paw Patrol toy is the MVP — most valuable possession.
What’s trivial to us can be incredibly meaningful to other people and you don’t know until you listen.
Second — admit wrongdoing
“I was wrong.” Far out, those words feel like chewing rocks when you have to say them. Particularly to people who press your buttons, or who have a great capacity to hurt you because they know you well.
The quicker you can get to “I was wrong”, the faster you get to resolution. It demonstrates empathy and empathy shows you value them even more than listening alone.
Last — apologise
And apologise properly, not the utterly awful mealy-mouthed non-apology we’re so accustomed to hearing that goes along the lines of: “I’m sorry if anyone was hurt/offended.”
Don’t apologise for someone else’s feelings, if you did something stupid or hurtful then apologise for the stupid or hurtful thing you did that caused those feelings.
If I was completely honest, it’s a little bit weird to see Relationship Skills 101 being modelled by rugby league players while supposed adults in the political arena make my three-year-old look like an emotional titan.
But it’s refreshing and kind of nice to see two blokes able to express their feelings in a way that didn’t result in property damage and broken bones, then apologise and reconcile.
Who’d have thought?