The Politically Correct Guide to History
If we must refer to the terrorist attack in Sydney earlier this month as “politically motivated”, perhaps we should go back through history and apply such political correctness to other major events.
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The terrorist attack in Sydney earlier this month has once more left the nation reeling, however it has apparently been deemed offensive to call it terrorism or religious extremism, with the preferred description being the more neutral “politically motivated”.
While this has frustrated some, I have come to realise that by applying such political correctness to other major events we can eliminate all death and destruction from the world.
And so, without further ado, I give you the Politically Correct Guide to History …
The end of the dinosaurs, 66 million BC
Old version: Dinosaurs wiped out by asteroid.
PC version: Non-progressive fauna restructured by rapid climate change.
Rise of hominids, 2-3 million BC
Old version: Human ancestors start eating meat.
PC version: Anthropocentric chauvinists commit mass speciesism.
Dawn of civilisation, 10,000BC
Old version: Humans learn to farm, civilisation begins.
PC version: Patriarchal agrarian society rapes Earth Mother.
Ancient Egypt, 3000BC
Old version: Various persons buried alive, unusually high number of hippo deaths, animal hieroglyphs.
PC version: Advanced eastern kingdom predicts rise of cat videos.
Sack of Troy, 1250BC
Old version: Greeks burn ancient capital to the ground, slaughter population.
PC version: EU emissaries renegotiate terms of trade.
Roman Empire, 44BC
Old version: Rising power colonises Europe, enslaves foreign races, builds aqueducts.
PC version: Cosmopolitan urban lifestyle meets tribal chic.
The Crusades, 1095AD
Old version: Christians and Muslims slaughter each other in the Holy Land.
PC version: Inter-faith dialogue.
Spanish Inquisition, 1478AD
Old version: Catholics torture non-Catholics until they admit to devil worship.
PC version: Advanced studies in comparative religion.
Discovery of Australia, 1770AD
Old version: Captain Cook comes to Australia, leaves again.
PC version: Captain Cook comes to Australia, kills everybody.
World War I, 1914-18
Old version: Nutter shoots duke and so 16 million people get slaughtered.
PC version: Physical expression of contrasting geopolitical perspectives.
World War II, 1939-45
Old version: Hitler invades Poland, kills Jews.
PC version: Programmatic population redistribution.
Stalinist Russia, 1922-52
Old version: Stalin invades Poland, kills Jews.
PC version: Advancement of progressive socialism.
Assassination of JFK, 1963
Old version: US president shot dead in Dallas.
PC version: Vertical hierarchical adjustment.
September 11 attacks, 2001
Old version: al-Qaeda terrorists hijack passenger planes, destroy World Trade Center, murder almost 3,000 people.
PC version: Disenfranchised non-Anglo-Saxon males advance counter-narrative to free market capitalism.
Martin Place siege, 2014
Old version: ISIS-inspired terrorist takes innocent cafe customers hostage.
PC version: Anti-war activist with mental health concerns raises awareness of international issues.
Parramatta shooting, 2015
Old version: Radicalised youth executes random police worker shouting “Allah is great!”
PC version: Politically motivated.
For something politically incorrect watch Joe on Studio 10 from 8.30am weekdays on Channel Ten.
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