The big questions you’ll ask yourself at the work Christmas party

What starts out as an innocent, fun night of letting your hair down with colleagues can quickly turn into the scene of many social crimes. But luckily, you can learn from my mortifying mistakes.

RendezView. The Office Christmas. (Pic: iStock)

It’s almost Christmas, but while the annual day of navigating tricky family relationships is still a few weeks off, we’re right in the thick of the festive party season.

That can only mean one thing: the office Christmas party.

What starts out as an innocent, fun night of letting your hair down with colleagues can quickly turn into the scene of many social crimes and then the most mortifying night of your life — I know this because I’ve done extensive field research and made every faux pas possible in front of people I worked with.

But where I’ve erred, you can learn: here are the are the five questions you’ll ask yourself at the office Christmas party — and my advice.

Everybody calls “SHOTS!”. Might be a good time to go for a loo break. (Pics: iStock)

Should I do shots?

This is not a drill, people. You’ve got to go into the Christmas party armed with some kind of strategy — and alcohol is one of them. How else are you supposed to deal with the long, boring conversation with that guy whose job is ... well, you’ve never actually figured out what he does.

But here’s where you’ve got to draw the line: drink just enough to have a good time, but never start on the shots. It’ll only end in a drinking competition, and if you’re anything like me, result in waking up the next day with no recollection of getting home — just a few flashes of me declaring that I could drink any of my colleagues under the table.

I was working in radio at the time and had to be on air the next day while more than a little tired and emotional. And being constantly ribbed, live on air, about my exploits by workmates. So that’s a definite no to shots.

If the question comes up more than once (and let’s face it, this is ‘Straya, so it will) and you’re feeling tempted, give yourself a moment to survey the scene and zero in on the most intoxicated colleague in the room. Do you want to be that person? Probably not.

Should I pash that guy/girl from accounts?

Guilty as charged. I’d rather not go into too much detail on this one, but let’s just say it happened. My advice? If you’re feeling the frisson of romance, take a step back, grab a drink of water and have a quick pow wow with yourself.

Is Brian from accounts a long term prospect? If you think he might be, then consider holding back just a little — have fun, but leave him wanting a little more and hold off on the tonsil hockey. Maybe send a text the next day saying how much fun you had and set up a date rather than going the full pash in front of a room full of colleagues.

And if you’re thinking Brian’s more of a good-time-not-a-long-time kinda guy, then it’s just a straight up no — fish in a bigger pond, so to speak.

Should I photocopy my junk?

Look, I think a visual memento is a great idea. Who doesn’t want a selfie as a memento of a great night out. It’s just that a belfie, enacted on the staff photocopier, isn’t very sanitary and is probably going to get you sacked.

It might have been a hilarious idea in the 80s — I mean what the hell, you could probably have anonymously faxed your junk to the boss for good measure — but with the technology most photocopiers are capable of these days you could accidentally email that image to entire staff pool. And everyone knows the digital image lives forever. It’s a no to this one.

Should I drop a few truth bombs on my boss?

I’m just going to go right ahead and admit I’ve done this more than once. Sometimes with the help of very expensive champagne, and another time because I was just trying to keep myself entertained at a dull party where, as a freelancer, I was sure I’d never see anyone again. I did.

Although when I started working for the new boss with whom I’d previously done my truth talking, it took a couple of weeks before he twigged that we’d met before. That conversation was pretty awkward, but I tried to brazen it out. So, nope, no truth bombs.

If your boss is David Brent from The Office, then go ahead, whip out your best worm dance move. (Pic: Supplied)

Should I pull out my fail safe party trick?

Are you that person who does the worm every time KC and the Sunshine Band start up? While that might be hilarious down the hallway of your best mate’s share house, deciding to bust out your most outlandish stunts will most likely only happen after you’ve downed shots, pashed Brian from accounts, photocopied your junk, dropped a couple of truth bombs on your boss and declared the party the best night of your life.

So all in all, if you’ve started to ask yourself this question, maybe doing a dance move that essentially requires you to humiliate yourself by dry humping the floor is your best way to get your colleagues back on side.

That’s a yes from me.

What’s your best Christmas party story? Share in the comments below!

You can get more advice from Victoria tomorrow. She’ll be answering your dilemmas and live blogging on RendezView on Friday from 1pm.

@vhannaford