The Bachelorette has failed before it’s even begun

A BODY-TRANSFORMING, green juice-drinking, affirmations-spouting Bachelorette is precisely the wrong woman for a show that is meant to be a guilty pleasure enjoyed with ice-cream, writes Michelle Andrews.

ANNOUNCING Australia’s next Bachelor and Bachelorette is kind of like announcing who’s pretending to be Prime Minister for the next 12 months.

Despite the importance of each position the public has little control over who is chosen. This inevitably unleashes oodles of disappointment when we realise Network 10/the Federal Government got it terribly wrong.

Again.

This year has been a particular low point on all fronts. Sorry, Nick ‘The Honey Badger’ Cummins, Ali Oetjen, and ScoMo — you just weren’t what we had in mind.

With The Bachelor crawling to its finale episode on Thursday, The Bachelorette will begin on Wednesday, with Oetjen returning to the franchise for her third shot at the elusive ‘L word’.

And by that, of course, I’m referring to ‘Lucrative endorsement deals’.

Oh, sorry, and ‘Love’.

Sophie Monk captured the nation’s heart thanks to her down-to-earth nature. Picture: Channel 10

The decision to crown Oetjen the country’s most eligible woman was a curious one. While the wellness influencer is aesthetically beautiful and kind — we’ve come to know that by seeing her on both Tim Robards’ season of The Bachelor, then again on Bachelor In Paradise — she’s utterly unlike the three bachelorettes who preceded her.

What endeared us to Sam Frost, Georgia Love, and Sophie Monk wasn’t that they’re perfect women. It’s that they were funny, silly, frank, and awkward. The kinds of women who fell down stairs, snorted when they laughed, and would mistakenly swear on camera.

Oetjen is the antithesis of that.

On her Instagram page, where she is promoting her “Healthy Lifestyle ebook” with fervour, the 32-year-old speaks of “vibrations” and “energies”.

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Photos of Oetjen donned in crop tops and yoga pants are presented to her 100,000 followers with hashtags like #danceinthewind, #free spirit and #peace.

Her life, body, mind, and yes, energy, are all seemingly perfect.

And while that’s great for Ali Oetjen — we want women to be happy and healthy and even dancing in the wind if the occasion calls for it — it might not be great for the bosses at Channel 10.

Ali Oetjen is unlikely to win over fans of The Bachelorette as previous participants have. Picture: Channel 10.

Why? Because women — The Bachelorette ’s main audience — aren’t going to see themselves in the person television executives have labelled ‘the ideal woman’. And if I know women (I’m something of an expert, having been one all my life) that means they won’t only lose interest, they’ll change the channel.

While Oetjen’s brand of sugar-free pancakes, daily affirmations, and coastal beach walks might appeal to an optics-obsessed social media crowd, the average woman sitting down to watch a reality dating show doesn’t want to feel guilty about the bowl of ice cream in her lap. By design of who Ali Oetjen is — an influencer who’s gearing up to push a fitness guide that pledges to “potentially transform your figure in 8 weeks” — she makes women feel inadequate. Like how they currently look just isn’t right.

So while Sam, Georgia, and Sophie spoke to our heads, so far we’ve mostly heard Ali speak to our six packs. Or lack thereof.

Most women aren’t about to fall in love with the person telling them their body could do with a transformation. We might listen, of course. I’m sure the sales of Oetjen’s ebook, the release of which will seemingly coincide with her return to prime-time telly, will boom. We’ll give her our money, for sure, but in the same way we snarl at ads for diet shakes, Oetjen will unlikely be given our trust.

Georgia Love’s goofy nature was something all women watching at home could relate to and root for. Picture: Channel 10

That’s not to say Oetjen is cruel or unlikeable — she’s clever to squeeze every bit of juice out of this Bachelor berry. It is, however, to say that she’s a bizarre choice when the juggernaut’s KPIs are ratings and advertising dollars, not how many ebooks its star sells.

We want to watch The Bachelorette and be swept up in the fairytale, not feel an increasing sense of shame that eating regular pasta is weak when fat-free, sugar-free, taste-free zucchini ribbons take just five minutes longer to prepare.

Indeed, Oetjen and Channel 10 might have already cottoned onto this fact.

After telling The Sunday Telegraph she has had her breasts and lips surgically enhanced, two procedures she now regrets, Oetjen added: “My message to other women is never change yourself for someone else. Be happy with how you look and who you are and have a think about what makes you happy, because you are the only person who counts.”

Perhaps there is hope for this year’s instalment of The Bachelorette, yet.

But when Ali Oetjen is simultaneously selling us love on TV, and a body boot camp on Instagram, something doesn’t sit right.

And just like a cauliflower pizza base, I’m not confident this season of The Bachelorette will perform too well.

Michelle Andrews is a freelance writer and podcast host from Melbourne. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.