Please, make the invisible bikini trend go away
Embracing an itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini over summer is one thing, but committing public acts of indecency all in the name of Instagram fashion is another. Make it stop, writes Katy Hall.
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How much would you pay for a piece of string?
Not just any piece of string, mind you. It’s around a metre long, waterproof, wraps around the most intimate parts of your body and could lead to your arrest should you dare leave the house while wearing it.
If you’re one of the 10.3 million people currently following Australian influencer turned Kardashian frenemy Tammy Hembrow on Instagram, you may be familiar with her much-hyped piece of gratuitous string, otherwise known as the Splendour Suit.
Perhaps more aptly named the invisible bikini, the Splendour Suit is made by US fashion label Minimale Animale and currently retails for a cool $187. It comes in 21 colours and if hashtags and likes are to be believed, is all the rage on social media this summer.
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What’s so splendid about it remains somewhat unclear. Unless of course you’re a leery male cruising the beaches, in which case, splendour abounds.
Much like a mullet on crack, the Splendour Suit is all business at the front where the absolute minimum amount of boobs and crotch are covered, and party at the back, where a series of strings connect the front and literally nothing is covered. How one comfortably moves while 95 per cent of their body is exposed to the elements is anybody’s guess, but apparently that’s the fashion now.
Hembrow, a mother-of-two and social media mogul, has been proudly showing off the swimsuit since October.
Rather than being forced to answer logistical questions like ‘how do you even put that on?’ or ‘where did all of your body hair go?’ or ‘aren’t you worried something will slip out?’ she’s been labelled a sex symbol and had her “gym goals” body praised by the masses.
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US model Emily Ratajkowski is also a big fan of the less is more bikini. Thanks to her swimwear line, Inamorata, she’s been making wedgies look cool and mysteriously orgasmic for the bargain price of $150 since 2017.
While Australia may be conservative about some things, we’ve been championing and embracing itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis for nearly half a century. If you haven’t made the mistake of wearing a curtain top and exposing yourself in the surf at least once in your life, you haven’t truly lived through a summer Down Under.
But here’s the thing. There’s teeny weeny and there’s giving infants wading in the shallows an eyeful because your bikini that seems oh so fire on the internet doesn’t actually allow you to do to everyday life things like make the perilous journey from your towel into the water without it looking like you’re filming your own amateur porno.
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Before the Splendour Suit we were graced with the V-String, an exceptionally high cut bikini bottom that looked more like a torture device than an outfit used for swimming in, and the ‘naked’ bikini trend that saw celebrities like Kim Kardashin West and Bella Hadid wearing flesh-coloured two pieces. Both made women question everything they thought they knew about anatomy and physics, but the Splendour Suit has really kicked things up a notch.
Historically, the beach has always been a haven for bare skin and body positivity, but when applying sunscreen becomes a black ops mission, things have gone too far. And while no one wants to return to the days of beach inspectors handing out tickets over an exposed ankle, it’s probably about time that the pendulum swung ever so slightly back to the centre and ushered people toward options that don’t risk friction burn to your nether regions.
So just how much would you pay for the luxury of having a piece of string sandwiched between two sweaty sunbeaten bum cheeks? Not $187, that’s for sure.
katy.hall@news.com.au