Nine dating lessons we can learn from The Bachelor

While dating on The Bachelor may seem disconnected from reality, there are some significant tips singles and couples can get from the show, writes sexologist Nikki Goldstein.

The curtain has gone down on yet another season of The Bachelor but instead of just enjoying their time together, the happy couple, Richie Strahan and Alex Nation, are at the centre of a media storm — their every movement heavily scrutinised. “Pregnant”, “broken up”, “married”, the magazines are already claiming.

But let’s just shift our focus from everything they say and do and reflect on what we have learnt from this highly addictive show.

Here’s what we can take away from the show and apply in the real life-dating world:

Not all fairytales live happily ever after

All Bachelors seem to fit a specific mould. While they appear to have had a partial lobotomy before starting the series, the overall package is manufactured to be something straight from Cinderella.

Good looking, clean-cut, somewhat successful, loves his mum and a gentleman who cares about all the women he is dating on the show. It would seem that if you put anyone through this Bachelor makeover, he could be the man of your dreams.

But a word of warning, it doesn’t mean he’s not actually a frog in a nice suit (*cough* Blake Garvey *cough*). Our Aussie Bachelors are loved by the nation, but at the same time heavily criticised — especially when they make a habit of pashing more than one woman. Just like with The Bachelor, if you meet a man in the real world who appears to be a Prince Charming, this doesn’t guarantee he’ll treat you like a princess.

Blake Garvey, the 2014 Bachelor, was sold to viewers as a Prince Charming, but this image rapidly deteriorated as he changed his mind about who he loved. (Pic: News Corp)

Dates should be more than just dinner and drinks

Did any of these bachelorettes really think Richie was the one behind the date planning? Let’s hear it for the true date heroes — the show’s production team. A chocolate bath might not be attainable for us all (although as a dedicated chocoholic, I’m now trying to work one out), but I do think our love lives could benefit from a bit of Bachelor-esque creativity.

Sitting opposite each other over dinner can be awkward in the early days and boring as the years go on. Why not try something adventurous or a little crazy — like a jetski date or hiring a vintage car and heading to the country — to either get to know a person or create some fun with the person you are already with?

OK, admittedly the chocolate bath looked a bit suss but Richie and Alex did seem to have had a hell of a lot of fun in there. (Pic: Network Ten)

Women should not be judged on their ability to be a good wife and mother

Faith was apparently the most compatible for Richie and also experienced a taste of life with him and their toddler, Rory (aka radio host Hamish Blake), while runner-up Nikki won the fake baby challenge.

Neither of these girls ended up winning. Richie’s decision to choose Alex proved that in the end it just might be something we can’t describe. Or actually it is described multiple times during this show (and a great word for a drinking game while watching it): “connection”.

Faith and Richie trialled parenthood, showing us all that no woman should be tested on her potential to be a ‘good’ mother or wife. (Pic: Network Ten)

Rejection hurts but it’s better for closure

Ghosting is now a trend in the early stages of dating. You’re not really together, you’ve had a few dates but one of you just isn’t that keen. Whomever the “un-keen” one is stops returning calls and just “disappears”... like a ghost.

This is enough to send someone insane with unanswered questions. It’s unfair and really can stop someone from moving on and getting closure. The solution — tell them they’re not the one so you both can move on. Rejection hurts but when someone says it nicely, the tears will dry up quicker and closure will be easier to achieve. At least you know where you stand.

Not getting a rose can hurt but it’s better to know that it’s not right than to be led on. (Pic: Network Ten)

Dating works best when both people have the same level of intent

He’s on Tinder for a good time, she’s there for dates and marriage. One of the issues with the dating game is when there’s a mismatch of intent. One is ready to move quickly, the other is ready to play around.

At least when you enter a show such as The Bachelor, everyone is open about being there to find love and have a future (and maybe a little fame, but at least that way they have more in common). If you are online or app dating, try and stick to ones where you know the other person is there for what you want too.

At least they all know they’re dating the same guy. (Pic: Network Ten)

Girls will be competitive but at the end of the day they want to be chased and chosen

Alex was given the privilege of the white rose. But how often did we have to listen to her moan and groan about Richie not coming over to choose her? Even though women on this show fight for the attention of one male, they still love to be chosen and chased.

But in real life, are women allowing men to choose and chase them? You might be keen but make sure you give the message that you are keen enough to want him to approach you.

Alex was given the opportunity to be assertive but when she wasn’t being chased, she wasn’t happy. (Pic: Network Ten)

Sometimes dating multiple people can work

We give the show a hard time because, after all, it’s one guy dating multiple women. But these days, many singles date multiple people in order to find someone they really connect with.

Maybe we just need to accept that there are more similarities to dating on The Bachelor than we would like to admit. And maybe having these comparisons can help someone find love. You might realise what you have with one person when you experience what else is out there.

But please note, there is probably a limit to dating multiple people and a point where it works against you. Also, 12 or more at once might be just too much.

Could taking multiple women on one date together actually work in the real world? Probably not. (Pic: Network Ten)

The people around you don’t always know what’s best

Richie’s mum was clearly on team Nikki, as was seemingly most of Australia. But in the end, Richie’s heart was with Alex. Everyone has an opinion, especially when it comes to love and relationships, and when you partner up, those opinions are not always welcomed.

Does it mean that people around you are always right? Some might be worried about you or concerned. What those who care about you need to understand is that it’s your relationship and you are the one who has to live with it, whether you are on a reality TV show or not.

Alex may not have been Richie’s mum’s top choice but ultimately, it’s Richie’s decision. (pic: Network Ten)

Chemistry and love can conquer all

If you watch closely, on the first episode of The Bachelor, the chemistry between Richie and Alex was obvious. It was the motivation for the white rose and many single dates. Even the person watching next to me (a male who has never watched The Bachelor before and probably had no idea what was going on) picked Alex as “the one”.

You can’t always explain it, describe it or even work out what the recipe for it is. If chemistry is there, it’s just there and no matter how much someone might “not be the easy option”, as we often heard, chemistry and love just might conquer all. Sometimes the person we are drawn to doesn’t fit the mould but we don’t choose love, it chooses us.

It’s not someone who ticks the boxes that will one day make you happy, but someone who has always made you happy from the start, no matter if they live on the other side of the country and have a five-year-old son.

Sexologist and Relationship Expert Dr Nikki Goldstein is the author of #singlebutdating

www.drnikki.com.au