Miranda Devine: Australia’s coronavirus toilet paper hoarding has confused the world
As hilarious as toilet paper brawls may seem, the rest of the world is watching our coronavirus response with confusion and wondering what the hell is going on, writes Miranda Devine.
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What is going on, Sydney?
I’ve been away eight months and it seems you’ve lost your hive mind.
The only news from Australia that has featured on every TV news channel in America since singed koala footage is a grainy video of three women duking it out over toilet paper in the Woolies supermarket aisle.
Last week another story went viral in the New York Post about “toilet paper loo-nacy Down Under” after another Aussie was tasered by police after a fight over TP in Tamworth, where supplies reportedly were dwindling.
New York is a famously neurotic city, and flu masks and hand sanitiser ran out long ago at pharmacy chain Duane Reed, but toilet paper shortages are not an issue.
The symptoms of coronavirus are a dry cough and high fever. Few people get diarrhoea, so why the run on Sorbent?
It’s incomprehensible from 16,000 kilometers away so I’ll be back next week for a brief holiday to find out why.
All I know is the Great Toilet Paper Embarrassment has been playing on high rotation on American television for a week.
We’ve gone from Olivia Newton John and Crocodile Dundee to World War Loo.
What happened to the sunny, stoic Anzac spirit? This is not a high point for our international reputation.
By contrast, New Yorkers are taking the coronavirus scare in their stride. In this densely packed multiracial city, the streets are slightly quieter, the shops are emptier, and people are taking to telecommuting and ordering in meals, but they still ride the subway and flock to Central Park on a sunny Sunday and pack my local sushi bar.
They may have stocked up on baked beans and bottled water and they are sticklers for washing their hands, but they still go to parties and greet friends with a hug.
You barely see a mask, but people have taken to punching elevator buttons with their knuckles and my local Catholic Church has dispensed with signs of peace and communion wine.
Half in jest, people at the Manhattan premier of Hillary Clinton’s new documentary last week greeted each other with the “Corona Shake”, an elbow tap in lieu of a handshake. Another option is the “Wuhan kick”, a tap of the feet, which is done strictly in black humour.
It’s sensible to take precautions against a new virus that is more lethal than influenza, especially if you are elderly, in contact with older people, or have underlying health issues. But you can’t stop living your life.
I speak as a germophobic devotee of sci-fi who spent my childhood in Tokyo imagining my way out of the apocalypse.
Keep your powder dry, dunny roll ladies. We’re not there yet.
Let me know your theories behind the toilet paper hoarding at devinemiranda@hotmail.com.