Kylie Lang: There are ways to compliment an older woman, and this isn’t it
Praising people on their style is lovely, particularly when it’s spontaneous and to strangers. But let’s ditch the element of surprise when it’s directed at an older woman, writes Kylie Lang.
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I guess I should be flattered, but there are ways to compliment a woman and this isn’t it: “Wow, you ladies look amazing!” … delivered with a side order of surprise.
Because women of a certain age know what this praise really means.
Congratulations on making an effort before you leave the house. You know, slapping on some lippy, choosing clothes you feel good in, and most remarkably, being able to co-ordinate earrings, head scarfs, handbags and other accessories.
Who knew it was possible to be old enough to be a young woman’s mother and still scrub up OK?
At Brisbane’s latest hot spot Howard Smith Wharves recently, my friends and I were stopped, several times, by 20-somethings who felt inclined to tell us we were doing all right.
Better than all right, we were “amazing”.
Now these girls certainly meant well – they could have said nothing so good on them for taking the time, and thank you – but we did have a giggle as we sipped rose in Mr Percival’s bar under the mighty steel girders of the Story Bridge.
Part of it is that you never really feel your age – until you see photos of yourself from years ago (when you thought you looked awful) and realise that time has marched on (and you looked great back then, by the way, so girls, be kind to yourselves).
And part of it is that you don’t want the blossom of youth to die. Playsuits and stilettos forever!
But it must, and when you’re reminded of this, it can be a rude reality check.
Growing old gracefully doesn’t mean fading away, however.
If anything, when you hit middle age, gulp, you’ve settled on a style that works for you. You’re less impressed by fads and more interested in embracing your individuality.
This brings a certain freedom I doubt I’d have understood in my early 20s.
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Many older women speak of becoming invisible.
They’re overlooked when queuing for drinks (heaven forbid they should darken the doorway of a bar), and people simply look through them, on the street, in shopping centres, wherever.
New research popped into my inbox this week and claims that 86 per cent of people over 50 feel misrepresented.
“Older Australians are dynamic, youthful and courageous,” says the spiel from an online dating agency obviously keen on expanding its client base.
This revelation refutes the “the frail, conservative and fuddy-duddy image that is all too often projected in media today”, the Lumen app claims.
While I don’t know how the research was conducted, only that it bounces off an international study, I’m sure there will be resounding cheers thanks to the confirmation that “life is far from done with you ‘hit the big 5-0’”.
Oh, please.
Apparently, it’s newsworthy that people who feature in the app’s latest campaign can pole dance (at 55), excel at martial arts (also at 55), and pro surf (at 63). There is an 82-year-old grandmother who goes to the gym, daily.
As with the well-intentioned young women at Howard Smith Wharves, congratulating people because they are enjoying life on their terms is great but it would be so much better without the sting of ageism.
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One way to break down stereotypes is to stop being “amazed” when someone who is not 12 does something well.
I remember actor Angela Lansbury, now 94, being interviewed in 2012 ahead of her Driving Miss Daisy stage role at the Queensland Performing Arts Centre.
A journalist wrote: “And despite her age, she has no fears about learning the lines in the 90-minute play or the gruelling schedule.”
Why should she? As Ms Lansbury said: “Learning lines is my business.”
Praising people is a lovely thing to do, particularly when it’s spontaneous and to strangers, but let’s ditch the element of surprise.
Last week broadcaster Wendy Harmer recommended complimenting older women in the street who are “wonderfully turned out”.
“I see so many … and always make a point of commenting on a fabulous hat, a special necklace or a scarf tied ‘just so’,” she tweeted. “The big smile in return makes my day! Try it.”
Ms Harmer copped a mixed bag of responses but I was happy to see that there are some people who know how to pay a compliment the right way.
Perhaps it’s because they have not yet been socialised into patronising others because of their age.
“I’m an older woman,” someone wrote, “and yesterday a little girl (about 5 or 6, same age as my great grandson) said, ‘I like your bag’. I smile every time I think of her.”
Focus on an object, not the person.
And that, my friends, is how it’s done.
Originally published as Kylie Lang: There are ways to compliment an older woman, and this isn’t it