Kerry Parnell: The stupidest footwear ever invented is back in fashion

Emergency departments are readying themselves for a surge in broken ankles, writes Kerry Parnell. Yes, flatforms have come back into style.

Flatforms are making an unwelcome comeback. (Pic: Supplied)

Why anyone would buy shoes they can’t walk in, I don’t know.

But be warned: The stupidest footwear ever invented has shuffled back in fashion.

Perhaps it’s an early April Fools, but fashion gurus have taken the trend for sensible sneakers and pimped them into platforms.

And while podiatrists weep, emergency departments are readying themselves for a surge in broken ankles.

Yes, those hideous monstrosities previously known as platforms and now rebranded “flatforms” have come back into style.

I shouted out in horror when I saw these beasts galumphing down the catwalk this season. Who in their right minds want to look like Herman Munster on a night out?

And didn’t we just do this? Didn’t Geri Halliwell pound the life out of these pedestals in her Spice Girls days?

Yes and no. Although the artist formerly known as Ginger Spice (she now goes by the name of Geraldine Horner after marrying F1 boss Christian Horner and becoming lady of the manor) was the queen of trainers so high they needed their own postcode, it was so long ago that a whole generation has since come of age that doesn’t even know who she is, let alone what was on her feet.

We had to crop out Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice to show Geri’s and Baby Spice Emma’s shoes. Sorry, Victoria! (Pic: Supplied)

The Spice Girls hit the big time 21 years ago. That’s two long decades for us to forget the fashion trend we should have forgotten. Yes, Geri and co first bounced their way into the charts in oversized shoes telling us what they really, really wanted way back in 1996.

Well I’ll tell you what I really, really want — is to once and for all see off these super-silly sneakers. Yes they might make your legs look longer, in a kind of Jar Jar Binks way. But they’re ugly as sin, stupid and unsafe. Try to walk in these flatforms/foolforms, and you’ll be guaranteed you’ll take a tumble if you navigate so much as a pavement.

At best you’ll look like Naomi Campbell falling over in her Vivienne Westwoods back in 1993, at worst you’ll break your ankle and end up in hospital.

Undeterred by the danger, every 20 years or so designers decide to revive the buggers. Because despite oldies like me remembering them the last time round and the time before that (take a bow Elton John and co, who can lay claim to really owning the platform trend through the ‘70s), wait long enough and you can guarantee there’s a new generation ready to embrace it all over again. And ignore their fogey old mums telling them they’re not going out in that.

If you’re still determined to give these clodhoppers a go, perhaps you’d like some Gucci gold and rainbow-striped platforms, the most Instagrammed item from the brand’s Resort runway. A snip at $1035. Or for $966 less you could get similar ones from Asos.

Or how about some red leather ballet shoes that have been crossbred with an elevated espadrille, producing a kind of mutant ballsform, from Miu Miu, also at a bargain $1040?

The Gucci platform could be a lawsuit waiting to happen. (Pic: Supplied)

$1040? You’ve got to be kidding. (Pic: Supplied)

Note: If you pay that for hunk of hessian than you need your head checked. You can ask the doctor to take a look when he’s fixing your ankle.