If you don’t like a child’s name, here’s some advice: shut up

Why do people think they have the right to comment on a child’s name? Perhaps they should move to Iceland, where parents must legally choose from a prescribed list of around 1800 options.

Pity poor Kim Kardashian. As social media melts down over her decision to name her son Saint, I understand the pressure she’s under.

For as much as I would have loved her to announce her second child was called John West, she was never going to indulge us, was she?

She had to plump for something that nobody else did. After North West, she needed to go in a different direction; to pick a name that would set trends, not follow them. The top 10 male baby names in the US — Jackson, Aiden, Liam, Lucas, Noah, Mason, Ethan, Caden, Logan or Jacob, which were just released by website BabyCenter — are not for Kim.

Despite several punters hoping for names including Go, Up, Inner or Wild, Kim and Kanye needed something “noice, different, unusual”. As did all those who bestowed Instagram filter monikers on their precious bundles this year — Lux, Juno, Valencia and Ludwig are all in, apparently. I just hope nobody went for Hashtag.

As the Kardashian clan began the trend for royalty names, it made sense, when you think about it, that Kim would opt for a higher deity. Kourtney Kardashian’s son’s name Reign saw a 54 per cent spike in popularity in 2015 and Chris Brown’s daughter’s name Royalty went up 88 per cent. Duchess rose 75 per cent on the charts, Prince 10 per cent, King 8 per cent, Kaiser 45 per cent, Sultan 28 per cent and even Emperor rose 12 per cent.

So how do you top that? Short of calling him Jesus (which is common in Spanish-speaking cultures), or God, she only had one option left — Saint. Let’s just hope he doesn’t turn out to anything but.

I know what Kimye went through with their selection. I’m about to have another child and am faced with the same dilemma. In fact, I just scrubbed off my number one choice when I discovered it made the top three Australian baby names this year. Despite my other half’s derision at my contrariness, I panicked that this beautiful name could become the Doreen of her generation. No offence to Doreens.

I’d like something classy but not too kooky — a name that could take our child through life without comment, whether they end up prime minister, pilot or plumber.

Mind you, nobody ever likes what you select, especially the older generation. In fact I got tarred with the KK crazy baby namer label this week, when I met an older gent who was appalled by my daughter’s name. He was in the playground with his grandson, and asked what my toddler was called.

“Poppy”, I told him.

“WHAT?” he bellowed, looking confused.

I repeated her name.

“How do you spell that?” he said, with an expression that suggested I’d just said her name was “Popzilla”.

“P-o-p-p-y,” I offered, adding, “the same as the flower.”

“Well that’s a first,” he said, aghast. “I’ve never heard of that.”

I politely told him that it’s a popular name — there are thousands of girls called Poppy — hey one of them’s even a supermodel.

It didn’t cut it with Grumpy Grandad, who triumphantly put me down with a, “Well, a name’s only a name, I suppose you get used to anything.”

I was tempted to ask him if his name was Cockhead, but like George Costanza, I only thought of that brilliant comeback on the way home.

Ironically, there was a little boy in the same playground called King. But no, calling your daughter after a flower makes me the crackpot.

Even if I had called her Popzilla, it’s not really his place to tell me it’s stupid. Why do people think they have the right to comment on a child’s name anyway, like they are the official Giver of Names? Perhaps they should move to Iceland, where parents must legally choose from a prescribed list of around 1800 options.

Interestingly, a lady in the same park discussed her grandson’s name with us — Huxley — as one of our friends just called their son the same lovely name. “I hated it,” she said. “It took me two years to even say it.” I bet her daughter-in-law never picked up on that. Guess the Brave New World of baby names was not for Nanna.

If you want my advice (which I am fully aware nobody does, thanks to the charming missives I get every week from my anti-fan club), then keep your outrage to yourself. After all, you can’t really cast aspersions on kids’ names when you are called Barry or Neville. Note to Barry and Neville: that was a JOKE.

So even though I would never pick the name Saint (what happens if he ever got beatified? Would he be Saint Saint?), I’m not sharing my disgust. I don’t really give a damn what his name is. I’m just glad Kim left me Hashtag.