How Turnbull REALLY got Trump’s phone number

Before Greg Norman got involved, Malcolm Turnbull tried to get a little help from his friends in the hunt for the US President-elect’s digits, as imagines Joe Hildebrand.

As the Ambassador of Australia to the United States, one could rightly expect Joe Hockey to have the private phone numbers of America’s elite at his disposal. Same could be said for our own leader. (Pic: Supplied)

JOE: Hello?

MALCOLM: Um, hi. It’s me.

JOE: I know it’s you. I still have your number in my phone from when we were… You know.

MALCOLM: Yeah, I know.

JOE: You know I’m seeing someone else now, right?

MALCOLM: That black dude with the big Cadillac?

JOE: Don’t judge my choices Malcolm.

MALCOLM: What about the redhead?

JOE: It’s complicated.

MALCOLM: It always was with you, wasn’t it Joe?

JOE: Hey, you were the one who dumped me remember? Besides, I told you I wanted to move to the country.

MALCOLM: Yes. You even specified which one.

JOE: Is it too much to want a little fixer-upper by the river?

MALCOLM: Look, for the last time, can you please stop calling the Embassy “a little fixer-upper”?

JOE: Sorry. How about “renovator’s delight”?

MALCOLM: Oh for Christ’s sake Joe! This is serious business here. The US-Australia alliance is the cornerstone of our national security. Our very fate rests upon the unassailable bond between our two nations. We are brothers in arms, children of the one God, lock-step in unison, the Prime Minister of Australia and the President of America united forever as we walk hand-in-hand into a brighter future, the closest two countries on Earth.

JOE: Okay, okay. So why are you calling?

MALCOLM: Do you have his number?

JOE: Come again?

MALCOLM: Um, I don’t seem to have a number for the, er, president.

JOE: What the f..k? Don’t you two guys have a direct line or something in case of emergency?

MALCOLM: I think that’s the Kremlin.

JOE: Have you tried the switch?

MALCOLM: The Secret Service guys don’t like us mentioning “the switch” in front of Donald.

JOE: My God, that is the worst joke I have ever heard.

MALCOLM: Have you seen who’s writing this?

JOE: Seriously, how on earth can an Australian Prime Minister not have the next US President’s telephone number?

MALCOLM: But all of the briefings said there was no way he was going to win!

JOE: What briefings?

MALCOLM: The ones in the New York Times!

JOE: Um, you do realise The New York Times isn’t official classified information?

MALCOLM: Clearly you haven’t encountered their paywall.

JOE: Okay, this really is serious.

MALCOLM: Come on Joe, it’s time to put our differences behind us. Can you get me Trump’s number or not?

JOE: Well I do know someone you can probably call but you’re not going to like it.

MALCOLM: Don’t be ridiculous. What could possibly be worse than — Oh.

JOE: Yep.

TONY: Hello?

For more awkward conversations watch Joe on Studio 10 from 8.30am weekdays on Channel Ten