I’m autistic, here’s how to be friends with me

AUTISTIC people can easily seem rude, inappropriate and ungracious, writes Madeleine Ryan. But we just need different friendship rules of engagement.

IN honour of the upcoming Autism Awareness Day, I’d like to share some of the ways to develop an ongoing relationship with someone on the spectrum, because the way I communicate with my autistic comrades is completely different from how I navigate the social expectations of the rest of the world.

I know how to act like a friend to others, yet truly connecting is a different thing. In order to do that, the terms of engagement require some changing.

1. Unconditional Love

Relinquish everything you assume about ‘what friends do’ and ‘how friends act’. When in a relationship with an autistic person, you’re going to find that their behaviour ticks all the boxes for seeming rude, inappropriate and ungracious.

I need a lot of space and sometimes this has created distance between me, and friends who aren’t on the spectrum. They’ve felt like this is a rejection of them, when it’s actually a way to get closer. Accepting the need I have to extract myself from certain social situations — because I’m feeling drained or overwhelmed, or I need to think, feel and process experiences and information — is one of the greatest gifts I could ever be given by a friend. However, my behaviour has sometimes been interpreted as ‘too cool’ or it’s assumed that I don’t care when quite the contrary feels true for me. I always want to be invited and involved — just as much as I need space.

Nicholas Gonzalez as Dr Neil Melendez, navigating his relationship with Freddie Highmore’s autistic character Dr Shaun Murphy in The Good Doctor. (Pic: Supplied)

2. Clarity

Be honest about your needs and feelings at all times, with no exceptions. If you don’t articulate what you want no one’s going to know — least of all your autistic friend. Don’t be scared to bottom-line things, either. Radio silences and ghosting don’t work on the autistic. We’re never going to ‘get the picture’. We might be able to sense certain feelings and needs, yet it’s difficult to know what to do with them unless the instructions are spelled out.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work out what others want, or what they’re thinking, and it has wreaked havoc on my mind and body. If you want me there to support you, say. If a gift is expected, say. If you don’t want to see that movie again, say. If a second date is out of the question, say. Don’t be scared, we can take it, and we’re deeply grateful for it.

3. Listen

We don’t just talk with words. Actually, words are the last thing those on the spectrum tend to talk with. We’re sensitive creatures and we communicate with our bodies, expressions of feeling, intuition, special interests, music and symbols and wherever we might be putting our attention.

Madeleine Ryan and her partner Hector Mackenzie. (Pic: Hector Mackenzie)

Because of this, I answer the phone to two people and two people only: my boyfriend and my autistic best friend. For everyone else, it’s texting, emailing and listening to voicemails. An electronic reply from me is rarely going to seem straightforward, or even answer the question you thought you were asking. Rather, it’s going to be in coloured fonts, include many emojis, something regarding feelings, whatever is happening astrologically and a seemingly unrelated sidenote — although, to me, it’s deeply related.

4. Rituals and Routines

There’s nothing I love more than a ritual — except maybe a routine. The safety of rituals and routines cannot be overstated. Through establishing a pattern, I can relax. It’s coffee at the cafe I know well, or dinner and drinks at your house, or going to the movies or salads at the gardens. Whatever. Every autistic person is different, obviously, yet in my world I know that there will be no ‘popping over for tea’ unannounced, or insisting that we go somewhere else just as we’ve sat down, or throwing unexpected guests into the mix.

This doesn’t mean we can’t have a tea, go somewhere else, or invite others — it just means I need to know about it in advance. Being aware of where I’m going to be, how it’s going to be, and who’s going to be there, makes everything easier, and I can prepare myself for it.

5. Ambience

Catching up one-on-one in a quiet setting is best. No time limit is ideal, because being rushed feels frightening. I know other autistic people who appreciate time limits yet, for me, when I’ve committed to spending time with others I want my feelings and thoughts to have space to be put into words — otherwise I just end up talking shit and becoming exhausted.

And I like open, calm spaces, not chaotic and crowded ones. Brunch dates are rarely on the menu because it takes a week to digest them. Navigating people, movement, noise, food, drinks, lighting, seats and varying temperatures is too much.

6. Self-compassion

We have to be our own best friend before we can expect to be anyone else’s. And, in the end, we mesh with people or we don’t. We’re on the same wavelength or we aren’t, and it’s no one’s fault.

You are you, and I am me, and this isn’t an autistic thing — it’s a human thing.

Madeleine Ryan is a freelance contributor to RendezView. Autism Awareness Day 2018 is Monday, April 2.

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