Forget bad boys. If he’s kind, he’s a keeper

MAKE up for those years you wasted with the bad boy who treated you like crap. Try and track down the lovely bloke you rejected for having bad hair 20 years ago, writes Kerry Parnell.

FORGET getting back with an ex — it’s not the one who got away you should be reconsidering, it’s the ones you turned down in the first place.

Channel 7’s upcoming reality show Back With The Ex pairs old lovers up again to see if they can make it work the second time around.

Believe me, unless the only reason you separated was a The Last of the Mohicans scenario (I dreamt of Daniel Day Lewis bellowing “I will find you”, but 26 years on it’s looking increasingly unlikely he’s going to locate me), then you should forget it. Presumably you split up for a valid reason such as you had lots of rows; one of you cheated; they were mean; you realised dating someone because they had a nose like Daniel Day Lewis wasn’t enough of a reason. So why would it be any different a few years later? No matter how desperate you have become, you are looking in the wrong place.

Abs aren’t the most important thing in a partner, even if they’re on Brad Pitt circa Fight Club. Kindness is.

It’s not the ones who already ran the race, it’s the ones you didn’t even give a starting place to that you want to Facebook stalk. You know, the hopefuls in your foolish youth that you dismissed for ridiculous Seinfeld-type reasons, like they didn’t have the right hair or you hated their jeans. I went off a prospective partner in my early twenties because he wore an aqua jacket on a date. And another because I didn’t like the books he read.

The lovely, kind, gentle, clever and independently wealthy young man who wanted a relationship? I was too busy pursuing his archetypal bad boy buddy who would be horrible to me for years until I eventually gave up.

I despair at the stupid choices I made. It never occurred to me that someone’s jacket or reading material could easily be changed, but their soul could not. Teenage girls think it’s the passion of Heathcliff they want, but their mothers would take nice Edgar Linton any day.

It took her a while, but Bridget Jones eventually worked out Mark Darcy was a much better option than Daniel Cleaver.

It’s not until you are older that you realise the most important factor of any relationship is whether the person is kind and will treat you well. That’s what Meghan Markle asked the friend who set her up with Prince Harry and while cynics would suggest the Prince part of his name might have held some attraction, I bet Diana wished she’d asked that question before the tea towels were printed.

This week women in China were urged by the state press to stop being fussy, looking for perfection in partners and instead settle for a “more or less OK person,” in order to lift falling birthrates. It sounds appalling, but to be frank, after a decade or so of marriage I reckon most couples would think “more or less OK” was winning.

“When younger we want the butterfly in the tummy feeling, the feeling of being consumed by them and we tolerate poor behaviours and comments, expecting the person to change,” says relationship expert Dr Karen Phillip.

“Once older we place greater importance on how we are treated, listened to and communicated with. We no longer want to be consumed by them, we seek balance.”

In other words, “more or less OK,” aqua jackets, bad books and all.