Single? Five ways to avoid Christmas pity party
FROM one single woman heading into the fiery hell of family celebrations to another, it doesn’t have to be all Bridget Jones and Coles pudding for one, writes Maggie Kelly.
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I WAS draping the last piece of tinsel over my indoor palm tree when a voice inside my head whispered: this is really lame.
Yes, I thought. It probably was. I live alone, after all, so there was no one but myself to appreciate the handmade Christmas baubles, and the mini Christmas tree, and the Mariah Carey Christmas soundtrack. I should have felt sad, but I didn’t. Should I?
As my first Single Person Christmas in more than six years, I’ve been taking cues from my other single friends on how to manage the situation. Their suggestions, truth be told, have been somewhat maudlin.
“Boycott Christmas,” said one. “Just avoid it altogether, and go drink with your girlfriends.”
I politely explained that, despite being a pack of lunatics, I would actually quite like to see my family on Christmas. I asked another friend what her plan of attack was.
“I’m just going to tell anyone who asks that I have a really hot boyfriend back home,” she said. “What was that movie where she hired an escort to be her Christmas date? That. I’m going to do that.”
With her plan also showing a few holes (Who is the escort? Is he happy? Who waxes his back? Do I tip?) I tried one last single friend for her festive season advice.
“Drink,” she said flatly. “A lot.”
Bloody hell, it was grim. But I refuse to buy into the Bridget Jones narrative, folks. Like a caped crusader, I plan to rise above the sympathetic clucking and the Coles-Christmas-pudding-for-one to take back Christmas for the single lady. No cat jokes, no wine before midday, and NO escorts.
Here’s how:
1. Prepare your lines
I don’t care how nice your family is, there is invariably that one relative who treats your single status like an incurable venereal disease. So rather than roll your eyes and gulp down the last of that pinot grigio, have a game plan ready. You’ll need a one liner to fire back that will have you feeling confident and proud. And sober.
Try something like this: “I’ve had more sex than I’ve had in years.” Or, “I can eat ice cream in bed for dinner on Monday and not give a f*ck. And I look better than ever, right?”
If nothing seems to work, stand back, and in a loud, clear voice say, “NO.” Exit stage left.
2. Buy a seriously good present... for yourself
Buying Christmas presents as a couple is great, because you basically spend half what you normally would — and if the person doesn’t like it, you can quietly blame it on your partner. When you are single, however, there’s a never-ending list of people you need to buy for. Alone.
You have one of two options: don’t buy anything for anyone and claim you are a born-again communist. Or, buy everyone a gift ... and then find an ever better one for yourself.
Yep, go shopping for something luxe and buy for it for yourself. Get it gift wrapped, honey. Write on the card something nice that you learnt about yourself in 2017 (“You are getting really good at putting the doona back in its cover”) and open that damn gift up on Christmas morning. Because you’re WORTH IT.
3. Put the Joni Mitchell scene from Love Actually on repeat
Like it or not, there’s going to be a little voice inside your head this festive season that’s telling you that you are going to be Patty and/or Selma Bouvier for the rest of your life. That you miss your ex-partner. That you should re-download Tinder and go on a date with the overweight plumber from Altona who has hunting photos in his profile shots.
NAH.
Being alone and happy totally kicks butt on being together and unhappy. Remember? And if you don’t remember, try harder. Sit down with a glass of wine — glass, not bottle — and write out some of the reasons you left your last relationship. It will serve to remind you just how hard-won and special your single status really is.
And if that fails, grab the bottle and rewatch the Joni Mitchell scene from Love Actually on repeat until you’re crying. Love sucks.
4. Learn the difference between “alone” and “lonely”
After a long year of learning to be single, I now consider myself an expert. I could write books on the topic. In fact, I probably already have, in the form of inappropriately long text messages to my single girlfriends using words like ‘self love’ and ‘powerful solitude’. Sorry, gals.
But one of the best lessons I can preach is about knowing the difference between being “alone”, and being “lonely”. Yes, you are alone during the festive celebrations. But this doesn’t mean you need to sit in the corner like Betty Heslop, dribbling into your seventeenth rum and coke. Lean in to your aloneness, and revel in all the wonderful things about it, like creating your own special Christmas traditions. Or being able to order a pizza at 2am and eat it naked without judgment.
5. Remember that it’s just another day
And finally, the best trick of all: killing the magic of Christmas altogether. OK fine, don’t kill it completely, just muffle it to a dull scream. Whether you’re on Team Jesus or just really like candy canes, it’s important to pull yourself together and remember that Christmas truly is just another day.
We create these powerful narratives around festive celebrations that are not always healthy — after all, sitting at the table with a partner, kids, a loving family, and golden roast turkey is not everyone’s reality. Some people are alone. Some people eat ham.
Christmas is a time of closure for the year that was, and preparation for the year ahead, so be ready for the strong emotions this time may bring up. But whatever happens, trust me when I say the sun will always come up the next day. And the next day is BOXING DAY SALES so get a wriggle on, would ya?
A red-and-green themed pity party is not how I intend on seeing out 2017.
Yes, being single is a journey that can feel majorly disappointing and lonely at times, lurching from one drunken shag to another. But there is also a magic to being happily alone. One day you’ll be walking down the street, listening to something nice, and tilt your face to the sun and think, you know what? Life is pretty great.
This Christmas, don’t let the basta- ahem, family, get you down. Hold your head high, and ignore Uncle Pat when he offers to set you up with his gardener.
Christmas is a time for giving, after all — so give ‘em hell.
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