Don’t have kids? Then don’t tell me how to parent

IT’S easy to be a perfect parent before you are one, writes Kate Symons. Just don’t kid yourselves that you have any advice worth listening to.

Got an opinion about my parenting? Feel free to keep it to yourself. (Pic: iStock)

THERE’S this woman I know who used to take her young daughter with her when she went to the hairdresser.

I know her reasonably well, which makes sense because she’s my mum. And yes, I’m the daughter, one of three.

This isn’t a particularly fond memory, nor is it a particularly bad one. In fact, it was barely a memory at all until I read an article recently outlining where parents should never take their children. Needless to say, “hairdresser” rated a mention.

I’m a bit of a fence-sitter on the topic. My mum had an excellent reason for dragging me along to entertain myself on a swivel chair (single mum, no family support in the vicinity and all the etceteras) while, 30 years later, I am pretty happy to treat the bimonthy visit as a well-earned, child-free break. Unlike mum, and many other parents, my support network allows me that luxury.

With a foot in both camps, I can hardly argue strongly for or against the child-in-hair-salon conundrum, as you might have expected this piece to do. Instead, I am going to express my boredom, frustration, confusion (pick one, pick all) at the “listicles” themselves; listicles that tell parents what they are and aren’t allowed to do.

Please, tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’d so love to hear it. (Pic: iStock)

These lists are usually made up of two kinds of observations: things most parents would never do and things it’s pretty irrational to expect no parent to ever do. This leaves parents at a stalemate and here’s why: if you’re guilty of the former, no sassy advice column is going to magically uncover your missing social etiquette, which most likely went AWOL before kids even entered the equation; if you’re “guilty” of the latter — actually, even if you’re not — the chances the aforementioned sass will endear you are pretty damn slim.

From what I’ve read, many of these opinion pieces are written by the child-free, and that makes sense, as clinical psychologist Jo Lamble explains: “If we can’t relate to a certain context, it can be harder to have empathy for others.” 

I’ve been there. Many have. It’s much easier to be a perfect parent before you have kids. I was amazing. Now? I’d give myself a pass mark. But motherhood is also a struggle that, at times, I feel like I’m losing. I know this is a common sentiment, which is why an open letter that decries the parenting collective is hard to read. In fact, I’d argue writing one is an action carrying far more potential damage than, for example, a time-poor, help-deprived mum taking her little one with her to the hairdresser.

This isn’t a parent versus non-parent debate, though. I promise. After all, plenty of parents have dabbled in the “do-not” listicles too, including the author of the hairdressing vent.

Parents aren’t immune to the frustrations that come with dubious parenting or misbehaving children. And while we might be better placed to empathise in such situations, it’s certainly not a given. In fact, plenty of people believe mum-judging is a sport fellow mums are best at. There is certainly some very unfortunate proof to support this argument.

Regardless of who’s throwing stones (and whether or not they’re being lobbed from glass houses), why are parents so often the target? Is it easier? Safer? More satisfying?

On my more cynical days, I could list a whole lot of annoying social behaviours, most of them committed by a broad spectrum of folk, parents and otherwise.

Loud talkers, slow walkers, man-spreaders, queue jumpers, path hoggers, story toppers — the list goes on. These people are everywhere, but criticism of them isn’t.

And that’s as it should be. If you can’t say anything nice, after all.