Dear female stars, please put some clothes on
Why is the new trend of “baring the vag” not seen as offensive? Imagine if men started playing rock-the-cock in their tuxedos at awards shows. They’d be arrested for indecent exposure.
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Female stars are going commando on the red carpet and flashing their privates on purpose in the latest fashion fad. And I think it’s marvellous.
I’m delighted lady gardens are sprouting on ruby rugs. After all, who wouldn’t want to get an eyeful of someone’s front bum at a gala event?
Coming, as it does, on the designer coat tails of the bare boob trend I penned a column about recently, I couldn’t be happier with this new vagary.
Why? Because after this, surely to God, there can be no part of the body left for fame-hungry celebrities to show. Barring Bum Hole Chic, I think, by Jove, we’re finished.
And maybe we can get back to some kind of sanity.
After all, we’ve seen slashed to the navel, side boob, under-boob then bare boob; thigh-splits, backless, frontless and nothing at all bar a pair of undies. So it was really only a matter of time before somebody looked downstairs and thought they would make revealing your vajayjay a style statement. Inevitably the Z-list were quick to start whipping off their knickers on a night out.
In truth, I despair of my fellow females. Why is this not seen as offensive? It offends me. And it’s hypocritical: Imagine if men started playing rock-the-cock in their tuxedos at awards shows. They’d be arrested for indecent exposure.
They’re all at it. Selena Gomez went underwear-free in Paris in a Ronald van der Kemp couture trench coat dress, that looked chic until it flapped open and revealed her fandango to the world.
Bella Hadid stunned in an Alexandre Vauthier red gown at the Unknown Girl premiere in Cannes, until she showed it came complete with an in-built landing strip of fabric around her bits.
Mel B, the queen of risqué business, unsurprisingly joined the party in a thigh-split red gown at the Maxim Hot 100 function in LA. All was well until she stood sideways and gave us a full frontal. In case we hadn’t noticed, her husband Stephen Belafonte proudly pointed to her parts on camera. How thoughtful.
And then, the queen of baring all, Kim Kardashian appeared at Paris Fashion Week in a series of increasingly revealing outfits that she no-doubt thought would be her biggest headliner yet, until her robbery ordeal.
The Balmain lace jumpsuit at the fashion label’s parade was one thing — especially with her strategically-placed hand having to remain awkwardly in position through the show. But this was then outdone by her choice of outfit for dinner — a black bustier, lace tights and no knickers.
The lack of taste is one thing, but without getting too gynaecological (look away gentlemen), it’s just not very hygienic. I wouldn’t want to plonk myself down on a pleather banquette after some knickerless wonder had sat there all evening.
And so, dear stars, do we think we’re done? Will you wave goodbye to this nasty naked phase and put your pants back on now?
Maybe you could try something radical, like wearing clothes. Now that would be really shocking.
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