Confessions of a Movember fraud
LAST year my Movember was all about the tash, and not about the cash. But I’ve seen the error of my ways, writes Ben Pike.
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IT looked like a spitfire crawling across my face and I loved it.
Inspired by corrupt 80s cops and the criminals they drank with, my moustache was a beautiful yet repulsive adornment to an otherwise unremarkable face.
And as a shameless, self-absorbed journalist, it not only gave me the attention I crave, it also allowed me to be even more obnoxious than usual.
“Call me sergeant” was a common phrase.
But behind the creepy smile and leftover breadcrumbs, my handlebar was hiding a dirty secret; Movember 2016 was Faux-vember.
Throughout November I raised a grand total of $0, despite having countless conversations about my soup strainer.
Many others would have seen my Tom Selleck and thought to themselves: ‘What a nice chap, sacrificing all self-respect so he can raise some money for men’s health’.
No, folks, it was all about the tash and nothing about the cash.
I also have to confess that I bowed to external pressure and shaved before November 30.
Pregnant with our firstborn child, my wife told me: ‘If that thing is still on your face when the baby is born, the obstetrician is in the photos and you’re out’.
I shaved in between contractions.
But times have changed. I’m older, uglier, a dad and in need of both redemption and attention. So this year, I’ll repent my sins and actually raise some money.
It seems that I am not alone. Last year three in 10 blokes registered for Movember but didn’t fundraise.
This is in addition to those guys who grew a flavour-saver during that month but didn’t sign up.
Why lads? Sure, there is the never-ending battle with laziness, but think of the alternative.
Those who sign up to Movember can raise money for prostate cancer, testicular cancer or men’s mental health.
If all of last year’s slackers (like me) raised the average amount of $250 this year, we would collect an extra $5 million and help reach the $25m target.
Having lost my father to suicide, and seeing the havoc that mental ill-health can wreak on the community, I’ll be raising money to help men have an honest conversation about mental health.
An average of six Australian men kill themselves every day. This is simply not good enough and we need to do more.
So gents, it’s time to park your self-esteem and endure the questioning looks that come with looking like a creep.
Think of all the wonderful attention you’ll get. And you may help save a life.