Angela Mollard: Bring on the robot revolution! I’m ready
The thought of artificial intelligence coming into our homes may scare some people, but for single people like me, the addition of a helper is not only much needed, but much anticipated, writes Angela Mollard.
Rendezview
Don't miss out on the headlines from Rendezview. Followed categories will be added to My News.
Everyone has a different view on artificial intelligence.
Whether you’re a pessimist who thinks it’ll bring about the end of humanity or an optimist who can’t wait to have a little robot you can boss around, there’s no doubt technology is galloping ahead.
Plenty of boffins believe computers will be as smart as humans by 2040 but living with teenagers I’m already skilled at cohabiting with others who think they’re superior to me.
Since I intend to be an early adopter of AI (I already have a name picked out for my bot) I’ve been doing some research and discovered that this level of superintelligence will operate in three forms. There’s the “oracles” who will be able to answer questions accurately, the “genies” who will follow commands, and the “sovereigns” who will have overarching goals such as solving climate change and bringing about world peace (perhaps more effectively than your average Miss Universe contestant).
Where we get into a pickle is when the sovereign perceives humans as the obstacle to something like climate change and so simply obliterates us.
MORE FROM ANGELA MOLLARD: Stuff the tidying trend — messy life brings me joy
Anyway, with robots about to start helping Coles and Woollies with their home delivery orders I’ve come up with a list of things my mates and I want our own bots to do (mine will be a genie called Augustus who has a voice like Liam Neeson’s).
Vision impairment facilitator
Having recently succumbed to the degradation that is reading glasses, I absolutely refuse to become one of those daffy old ladies who are forever searching for their specs. Rather, every time I switch on my computer or glance down at my phone Augustus will alert the device that it needs to read my visual impairment and adjust the screen accordingly.
As a fan of traditional books I realise this still poses a problem but perhaps I can store a sensor-operated monocle in my hairline for all printed matter including menus.
MORE FROM ANGELA MOLLARD: Want to appear ageless? Follow these 10 tips
Infantile question answering service
Fortunately, I am nearly out of this phase of parenting though I was recently asked to explain how transubstantiation works. I know Siri is good at this stuff but Augustus would field all inquiries such as “Are there more leaves in the world or blades of grass?” and “If your eyes are blue why don’t you see everything blue?” My robot will also be tasked with festering lunch box disposal, lost sports uniform retrieval and sibling mediation.
Wardrobe selector
Imagine if you could open your wardrobe and a bot could select an outfit based on your diary appointments, weather, after-work functions and preferred level of comfort. My Augustus would also choose shoes and jewellery and accommodate fat days and bad hair moments. He could also cross-reference with my friends’ bots to ensure we don’t wear the same thing.
Infallible printer
How is it that we have developed cars that drive themselves yet most home printers are as reliable as your average umbrella and give up within three years of purchase. My bot will print efficiently every time, order and install replacement ink cartridges and consequently reduce my stress levels by 408 per cent.
Personal hazard detector
Since Augustus will come with his own natty Speedos he’ll accompany me on ocean swims and thus will be able to steer me away from sharks, blue bottles and rogue surfers. Likewise, on the ski fields he’ll Taser any out-of-control snowboarders, guide me into the fastest lift queue and pre-order my butterscotch schnapps.
MORE FROM ANGELA MOLLARD: We don’t like vegans because they have a point
Password management co-ordinator
The average person forgets their password 36 times a year which is no surprise since we now need so many of the sodding things. Augustus will not only store mine, but remind me when I need to change them and what combinations other than fT96$x1?pS& might be hardest to guess.
Potential date reader
My single mate wants his robot to both alert him to and avert him from potential paramours. “I basically want a wingman who can gauge her mood, single status, neediness, sense of humour and menstrual cycle but obviously not steal her from me,” says my friend, who — you’ll appreciate — is single for a reason.
Traffic predictor
The GPS has reinvented driving but I want my bot to go further, crunching traffic light timings, accident data and congestion to tell me to that I need to leave home at 8.31.09 to have the quickest journey time. If he could have my coffee order waiting at the front door I’d doubtless marry him.
MORE FROM ANGELA MOLLARD: Why it’s time to ban trophies
Diet and exercise monitor
I’d probably take a softball bat to Augustus if he flagged that the cake I was about to eat contained 900 calories and would reduce my life expectancy by 17 days but in the interests of longevity a running health check would be useful.
Prat detector
Since all the above functions are likely to turn me into (even more of) a self-absorbed princess, Augustus would need to remind me when I’m becoming insufferable. He’d advise me when I need to switch him off and go and do something thoughtful for somebody else.