What kind of parents will Meghan and Harry be?

The hard part may be over for the Duchess of Sussex, but days after welcoming her son into the world, the real work of parenting begins. So just what kind of mother will Meghan Markle be, asks Angela Mollard.

You’ve got to feel sorry for the Duchess of Sussex — having sustained international hysteria over her pregnancy and having licked the nursery paint to check it really is vegan, the poor woman now has to decide what sort of mother she wants to be.

Will she choose helicopter (hovering), jellyfish (permissive), tiger (authoritative) or snowplough (bulldozing over obstacles in their child’s way), or will she jump on board the latest philosophy parlayed into a publishing phenomenon — “panda” parenting?

MORE FROM ANGELA MOLLARD: What Meghan should learn from Diana

Dubbed a mix of hard and soft techniques by author Esther Wojcicki who has three super successful daughters, panda parenting is apparently a winning combination of cuddliness and claw.

No one wants to be a panda mum, not even Meghan. Picture: Dominic Lipinski/WPA/Getty

All respect to Mrs W but no one wants to be a panda mum. They may look adorable, but they only ovulate once a year and reportedly defecate up to 28 kilos of poo each day which makes for a lot of cleaning, even with staff.

So with the Duchess evidently in a conundrum I’ve created a handy guide/possible bestseller outlining some of the parenting philosophies Her Royal Highness might like to consider.

MORE FROM ANGELA MOLLARD: The mentor Meghan Markle needs in her corner

Meerkat parenting

While sticking up your head every so often to survey your offspring might look like the perfect “set and forget” style of parenting, these members of the mongoose family offer a poor template. While designating a “sentry” to watch the offspring might seem like an excellent arrangement, there’s no hiving off to the pub because young meerkats become sexually active at just a year old. Imagine being a grandparent within a year of giving birth yourself. Sibling rivalry also a problem thanks to non-retractable claws.

Here’s to hoping that baby Archie isn’t cursed with having goldfish parents. Picture: Steve Parsons/WPA/Getty

Goldfish parenting

Renowned for their three-second memories (although that may be mythology), no kid wants a goldfish-style parent. They’d forget everything — school prize-giving, swimming carnivals, term dates and even your birthday, although they do sleep with their eyes open so would be rather good with errant teenagers.

Peacock parenting

The Kardashians of the animal world, these parents would be sharenting their offspring all over Instagram and probably too busy hawking their plumage accessory line to pay much attention to manners, milestones and toilet training. That said, a group of the birds is called a “bevy”, “muster” or an “ostentation” so would be rather fun to say you were having the ostentations over for dinner. Excellent at school show and tell.

Penguin parenting

The ultimate working mother model, the female emperor penguin lays her egg then gives it to the dad to keep on his feet to stay warm. She then buggers off to eat herself stupid for three months while he loses 45 per cent of his body weight taking care of his offspring. Probably not the poster species for maternal affection because if the baby penguin dies, the females often kidnap an unrelated chick. May look cute, but some breeds are riven with divorce, homosexual affairs and prostitution (they perform favours in return for stones for their nests).

Sloth parenting

No explanation required.

Orca parenting

May be top of the food chain but the food bill would be horrendous, pregnancy lasts a staggering 17 months and the daughters never leave home, hanging out with their mums their entire lives. House prices may force our kids to stay at home well into their 20s but there’s no way I’m cohabiting with my forever. Might be fine for Meghan because, well, palaces.

MORE FROM ANGELA MOLLARD: Is Meghan fed up with royal life?

Knobhead hornbill parenting

As a parent who works from home I can fully endorse the parenting methods of this dramatic-looking species. Although monogamous, the female basically seals herself away on her own using her own faeces to block entry to her hole in a tree. The male provides food through a slit in the seal. Add Netflix and this is my parenting nirvana.

Hawk parenting

Glamorous, terrifying, hyper-vigilant and confident in its position, this will be an attractive option to the Duchess especially since hawks are found on all continents (Antarctica excluded). Although pity the poor offspring — their parents are not only screechy, they do a lengthy, elaborate and embarrassing courtship dance before they get down to the business.

Something tells me it’s very unlikely that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex will be sloth parents. Picture: Dominic Lipinski/WPA/Getty

Rattlesnake parenting

While a venomous fang and a threatening rattle is just what you want your mum or dad to exhibit when you want some twerp to get off the swing, rattlesnakes are far from best in class when it comes to parenting. They are the neat freaks of the animal kingdom but the mum slithers off never to be seen again once her bubs are born. Dad would doubtless swallow whole any of your school mates he found annoying.

MORE FROM ANGELA MOLLARD: The rise of ‘celegrities’ — celebrities with integrity

Octopus parenting

The model to which we should all strive. With three hearts, nine brains and eight arms — each with a mind of its own — octopi parents are loving, kind and do your homework for you. They have blue blood so are posh, but also playful and excellent at squeezing into tight parking spaces. Slight caveat: octopus mummies die shortly after their brood hatches.

After much thought, I suspect the Duchess will stick to type and opt for lion parenting — king of the jungle, happy in Africa, ferocious, ambitious, cuddly when required, stars of a long-running theatre show and a new movie eagerly awaited later this year.
@angelamollard