Tim Blair’s 2025 predictions: Winners and losers revealed
With an enviable record of predicting the future to rival Punxsutawney Phil, the upcoming year is dissected by our own Nostradamus Tim Blair.
Opinion
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The New Year is upon us, so it is once again time to gaze deeply into my crystal balls and foresee all the major events of the next twelve months.
And all of the minor ones. There isn’t much that escapes Guru Tim’s predictive prowess, so brace yourselves for this year’s bounty of full-on factual forecasts.
JANUARY
After spending the entire Fifth Test among thousands of passionate rival fans, Strathfield’s cricket-loving Wilson family is left with pronounced Hindi accents, numerous Indian flag tattoos, enhanced vindaloo tolerance and internationally marketable IT coding skills.
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese is again accused of elitism after arriving at the Australian Open aboard a gold-plated 18th century French sedan chair carried by enslaved Qantas staff wearing silk togas. Blame for the blunder falls upon Labor adviser Katharine Murphy, as usual.
FEBRUARY
Pro-Palestine activists fail in their disgraceful bid to extinguish the eternal flame at Canberra’s Australian War Memorial. “We replaced the flame months ago with a burning e-scooter,” a memorial spokesman reveals. “Do your worst. That bastard will never go out.”
He’s no longer welcome at Labor, the Liberal Democrats or One Nation, so a defiant Mark Latham establishes yet another public platform. The former prime ministerial candidate’s Only Fans site opens to mixed reviews.
MARCH
Attempting to recapture the magic of his first budget, in which coal, gas and iron ore were dismissively referred to as “things we sell overseas”, Treasurer Jim Chalmers delivers an election budget promising lots of “stuff”, “whatnots”, “bling” and “swag”. “I commend this budget to the house,” Chalmers tells parliament, “because there’s some really good crap in there.”
NSW Premier Chris Minns’s outdoor press conference on affordable housing is compromised when a medium-sized cardboard box blows by and is immediately sold to the highest bidder for $2.8 million.
APRIL
Anthony Albanese’s last-minute attempt to step aside as Prime Minister and allow Kamala Harris to run for election instead is disallowed on constitutional grounds. So is Deputy Prime Minister Richard Marles’s attempt to run as charismatic Appalachian scholar “J.D. Pants”.
The re-election of several Teal MPs prompts a joint statement from religious leaders worldwide that there is no longer any such thing as the power of prayer.
MAY
Victoria, a bankrupt socialist experiment located south of NSW, boosts its tourism potential by reclassifying thousands of highway potholes as 1/24th scale caving venues for wealthy midgets.
Chinese EV manufacturers swear before a parliamentary inquiry that none of their vehicles contain hi-tech Chinese communist spyware. The dashboard disassembly of an electric Chairman Mao Maximum Marauder hatchback does however reveal seven very uncomfortable and two deceased Chinese communist spies.
JUNE
Prime Minister Peter Dutton’s recently-elected federal Coalition government introduces a user pays system for the ABC. Under the new system, the four people who actually watch or listen to the ABC are each billed $81,250,000 per quarter – matching current annual funding of $1.3 billion.
JULY
Airport use of Aboriginal destination names comes under review when a flight to Naarm, Victoria, mistakenly lands in Nome, Alaska. “This must never happen again,” declares Qantas boss Vanessa Hudson, speaking from Gaddesby, England, after her own flight to Gadigal in NSW was redirected in error.
“They are killing Australia’s future,” writes former Climate Minister Chris Bowen as government bulldozers bring down thousands of wind turbines. Nevertheless, Bowen says he is greatly enjoying his post-political life as a captive exhibit at Monty’s Marsupial World.
AUGUST
Following weeks of negotiations, ABC viewer Mrs Edith Batt of Ryde is granted a 25 per cent discount on her quarterly $81,250,000 ABC bill. “I only ever watch Midsomer Murders,” Mrs Batt explains, “and that New Australian boy with the gardening.”
For no particular reason other than not wanting Penrith to win another premiership, the NRL abruptly cancels the 2025 season with several rounds and the finals still to come. The unusual move is greeted with almost universal approval by fans and the media.
SEPTEMBER
The AFL also cancels its finals plans after more than half the code’s players voluntarily suspend themselves for toxic masculinity, unconscious homophobia, historical misgendering and public whiteness.
OCTOBER
Approaching the first anniversary of his election, US President Donald Trump is repeatedly asked about mysterious pleadings for food and water apparently coming from beneath the White House briefing room floor. In unrelated news, ambassador to the US Kevin Rudd hasn’t been heard from in months.
The Great Sydney Train Strike enters its sixth month, with neither the government nor the Rail, Bus and Train Union prepared to concede any ground. One major sticking point: the unionists want a better standard of cardboard boxes to live in, a demand the government rejects as “completely unaffordable”.
NOVEMBER
Parched Perth receives nearly a metre of restorative moisture after England batsman Jonny Bairstow is again legitimately stumped by Australia’s Alex Carey and cries for three straight days.
The ABC’s month-long non-stop 50th anniversary commemoration of Gough Whitlam’s dismissal is too much for three of the broadcaster’s four user-payers, whose departure leaves a solitary ABC fan to cover the year’s entire final quarter bill. “It isn’t fair,” complains Copacabana retiree Anthony [surname withheld by request] and his cavoodle Toto.
DECEMBER
Racist social media slurs against Indian call centre operators are quickly withdrawn when all of the calls in question are traced to the Wilson family of Strathfield.
Can we please call time on the hostage puppies?
Money can only end starvation, poverty and pain if third world corruption and first world bureaucracy don’t consume it first, writes Tim Blair.
Big oil is back and it’s bloody brilliant
The entire climate movement was an event for children - that’s why it was led by one for so long, writes Tim Blair.