2019 NSW election: HG Nelson, James Valentine satirical show on Sydney’s growing pains
Amid all the grand NSW election promises from both major parties, ABC comedian HG Nelson and afternoon radio presenter James Valentine offer up some lighter alternatives to solving Sydney’s growing pains.
Fresh tyre changes and manicures while you’re stuck in traffic gridlock; staging a Daley-Jones “Rumble in the Rubble” rematch in the remains of Allianz Stadium; and lofty plans for a new Parramatta pool.
Forget the Lucy Turnbull-run Greater Sydney Commission. The “Even Greater Sydney Planning Committee” (EGSPC) is ready to deliver a “real vision” for the Harbour City.
In a satirical look at the “absurdity” of Sydney’s planning, ABC comic genius HG Nelson and afternoon radio presenter James Valentine are taking their EGSPC meetings to town halls in the lead-up to the state election on March 23.
As the pair — and many listeners of their weekly radio segment — struggle to get their heads around bureaucrats’ grand plans, the EGSPC mission statement remains clear: “Heritage is constraint; congestion is value. Build it up, knock it down, build it up again.”
But before building any new sports venue at Moore Park, HG wants to organise a return bout of 2GB breakfast radio king Alan Jones and NSW Labor leader Michael Daley after the demolition of Allianz Stadium.
“The Daley-Jones stoush has caught our attention,” HG, one half of iconic comedy duo “Roy and HG”, said. “This has put some real interest in the election campaign. And we want to stage Daley-Jones II: ‘Rumble in the Rubble’.”
As EGSPC’s Acting Deputy Co-chair Digital Integration, along with Valentine as CXO (Chief Excellence Officer), HG has a unique plan for the new Parramatta pool, after the old one was bulldozed to make way for the new Bankwest Stadium.
“We have always been pro-Parramatta pool,” HG said. “You always imagine that the subcommittee for this is me, the Premier and Karl Stefanovic, who will be the face of the new Parramatta pool.
“And by now, Gladys (Berejiklian) would have moved her campaign into the Opal Tower to demonstrate to the people it’s perfectly safe so we could have our pool planning meetings on the 13th floor.
“You’d have to climb up the steps because there are no lifts. And we’d order flathead and chips with the Uber Eats guy who would be exhausted by the time he dropped them off to us.”
He revealed the “breaking news” of EGSPC acquiring the “air space above Parramatta train station” for the new pool.
How on earth could it be built?
HG explains, tongue firmly in cheek: “Our engineers are the best in the world; they can put anything anywhere — it’s just a matter of money.”
Asked if his committee was going to release any concept images for the new ‘floating’ pool, he said: “First, we’re going to have a design competition for the artist impressions.
“That’ll go to a Danish artist and the local winner’s plan will obviously be binned. There’ll then be some other competitions, but we’ll end up getting a Norwegian company to do the design.”
What would EGSPC do with Parramatta heritage buildings Willow Grove and St George’s Terrace on Phillips Street, given its policy on the expendability of historic buildings?
“The government says it has no intention to sell them — but for us, if you’ve got the money, we’re prepared to listen,” HG said.
“If anybody is interested in these properties, for God’s sake, pick up the phone and have a go. We think there’s a price there for them.”
He has some “cracking ideas” for how motorists could “actually look forward” to being stuck in traffic jams on Sydney’s roads.
“People should be able to change their tyres in peak afternoon traffic,” he said. “If you wanted a new set of tyres, you could text ahead to Beaurepaires and say ‘I’m coming through in 10 minutes’ so the boys would be able to get to work on your car while you’re stuck in traffic.
“And we believe a manicure could be possible in Sydney traffic with someone walking alongside the car and you jangle your hand out the car window.
“You could also run separate media in the congestion hot spots, such as a rugby league channel where you’d look forward to actually being stuck in traffic.
“This is part of our real vision for Sydney.”
The satirical EGSPC concept was born a few years ago when long-time friends HG (aka Greig Pickhaver) and Valentine were mystified by many of the government’s planning decisions, including the $38 million Tibby Cotter pedestrian bridge across Anzac Parade.
“This is an excellent example of stepping on to a piece of infrastructure where, from the moment you step on to it, you’re heading away from the direction you want to be going,” HG said in his usual deadpan fashion.
“What caught our eye was how much this bridge cost and how few people use it.”
Valentine added: “A lot of the planning announcements in Sydney don’t make sense.
“The Greater Sydney Commission started to do its work a few years ago when we also started paying attention to all the grand plans for Sydney.
“We found all that stuff quite funny, especially around the declaration of three cities. Calling one of these a (Western Sydney) Aerotropolis — I mean, what kind of Roger Ramjet planet are they on?
“And when you throw in all the local plans, you wonder if you’re living in the Los Angeles of Sydney, Wollongong and Newcastle together — or the three cities within Sydney, or within the local council areas?
“And it seems absurd to us that you announce the Metro West is happening — but you still haven’t finalised where the stations are going to be. Surely this is a central thing to the plan?
“We’re having a laugh about these things while we consider the realities of our city.”
HG and Valentine held EGSPC’s first town hall meeting in Marrickville to a packed audience on Thursday. The next meeting will be in Parramatta this Thursday. More info: abc.net.au/radio/sydney/egspc/10777222
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