‘Why my shameful chocolate habit cost me $1900’: Buttle

I have become a victim of my own piggy behaviour - and it hurts. Mel Buttle reveals why you should keep away from the fridge late at night.

Chocolate should be kept in the pantry and I have $1900 reasons why.

My mouth has been operating at half capacity for a week now, I’ve had to chew solely on the left side of my mouth, thanks to a deeply refrigerated square of caramel and sea salt chocolate.

How I became a victim of my own piggy behaviour was very straight forward; dinner was long finished, I had a sleepy tea in hand and spotted under the butter a third of an old block of chocolate that needed to be eaten.

Mel Buttle at home.

I unravelled a square from its gold packaging and chomped down, still in the fridge, you know when you eat with the fridge door open, partly to hide your shame, but mostly in case your partner calls out, “is there chocolate?”, forcing you to share your sweet bounty and carry a few squares up the hall to the bedroom.

I also eat in there to quickly guzzle down left over bits of roast chicken off the carcass before the dog realises what’s going on. Yes, I’m a bit of a grub, but I’m sure you’ve all done it.

As the fridge door was silently swinging shut I heard an almighty crack, and to use an old horror film device, the crack was coming from inside the mouth. My gluttonous fridge eating had resulted in a cracked tooth.

I diagnosed this myself, using a combination of Dr Google and still being able to hear the roar of the crack in my mind.

From this point on, eating, drinking and even breathing was not my friend.

Cold things hurt, hot things hurt, warm things hurt, throwing all the chocolate in the bin hurt.

I ushered myself off to the dentist who concurred with my diagnosis. I had a cracked tooth. What a win.

Ouch.

Moulds of my teeth were taken, which for a first timer was quite an experience. The last time I gagged that much, my dog had somehow done a series of poos on the seatbelts in the back of my car.

Back to the tooth, like many prom queens before me, I was getting a crown.

I’ve only had one filling in my life at age 38, so this is a big leap.

As I’m a qualified Google practitioner, I looked up the steps my dentist would take to give me a crown.

This was a mistake. I think whatever dentists do in your mouth should be guarded by a code of secrecy, like how magicians never tell outsiders how they do their tricks.

Apparently my tooth cracked because I grind my teeth in my sleep.

Don’t worry there’s a really cool fix for this issue, a mouthguard that you sleep in. Sounds sexy, alluring and like a real conduit for pillow drool. If that’s what needs to be done to get me back to finishing off a Big Mac in four easy bites then so be it.

I can’t continue taking dainty bites of soft foods on one side of my mouth, I look like a squirrel devouring a nut in the park whenever I eat anything.

Dentists sound expensive, but that’s the cost of seeing a mouth magician who can get you back secretly eating chocolate in a semi open fridge in under a week.

Originally published as ‘Why my shameful chocolate habit cost me $1900’: Buttle