‘Red Rooster is the far superior chip’: Mel Buttle’s ultimate fast food guide

She’s tried them all and Mel Buttle has crowned her junk food champions in all categories.

With the cancellation of our beloved Logies, I thought I’d fill the void by handing out some gratuitous awards of my own.

However, I know very little about the world of TV and who’s worthy of praise and accolades. So I’ve changed the rules
a bit and decided to reward my favourite fast food places instead. Go with what you know. So I have.

To be equitable to all, I’ve limited the nominations to ubiquitous fast food places, no local fish and chip joints, no regional bakeries, just large-scale operations.

And the nominees are …

Most outstanding chips.

Most Outstanding Chips: Red Rooster is by far the superior fast food chip.

They’ve got crunch, flavour and you get a decent amount of fried tattie for your coin.

I like how they’re a long and sturdy chip, designed for easy, no-mess dipping into gravy or the sauce of your choosing.

To fully experience the joy of these chips, I urge you to pair them with a gravy; their robust structure can handle the viscosity and heat of a gravy with no structural damage or oversaturation.

Well done, Red Rooster, on a truly remarkable product.

Most outstanding burger.

Most Outstanding Burger: A freshly made Big Mac is the daddy of takeaway burgers. It’s the burger you build up to as a kid, watching your parents eat them until one day, perhaps after swimming or a big day at the beach, just a cheeseburger isn’t enough anymore. Then you’re a Big Mac eater.

Welcome to the big league. Yes, let’s be fair, I’ve had some ordinary Big Macs too, but overall they’re hard to beat. With a generous amount of sauce and the promised two slices of cheese as shown in the photo, there are few that can come close to this
stalwart of the food-eaten-in-cars genre.

Most Outstanding Dessert: Hungry Jack’s Caramel Sundae. There’s a toffee-like tackiness to this caramel that I really love.

Also, they’re easy on the budget with a small coming in at around $1.70, cheaper than their sundae-selling competitor. I’m loving it.

Most Outstanding Sausage Roll:Pie Face. When I can’t get to a bakery, this servo sossy roll does the job; flaky pastry and well-flavoured meat – you can taste the sage that makes this an outstanding sausage roll.

Also, they’re a decent size. Add a choccy milk to make it a meal.

Most outstanding plant-based burger.

Most Outstanding Plant-Based Burger: Hungry Jack’s Rebel Whopper. I, too, was a sceptic that a large chain could pull off plant-based pleasure, but they can and they do it well. Honestly, I think you could give one to your dad and he couldn’t tell the difference.

Most Outstanding Side: KFC coleslaw. It’s cold, it’s crunchy, it’s tangy. Add it to your burger or dip your gravy-covered chip in it if you’re an experimental foodie.

Most Outstanding Gravy: Red Rooster. Well done, a dual nominee.

Most outstanding sweet treat.

Most Outstanding Sweet Treat: Subway cookie. They’re chewy, soft and there’s always a multiple purchase offer available so you can share the joy back at the office.

On the cover of the book How To Win Friends and Influence People there should be a three pack of Subway cookies.

Most Outstanding Nostalgic Treat: Wendy’s chocolate-coated or sprinkle cone. Yes, they’re still available. There’s one at Forest Lake.

Well done to all the nominees.

As we head into the Christmas party season, I’m sure you will be seeing a lot of this face in your drive-through at 11pm.

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Originally published as ‘Red Rooster is the far superior chip’: Mel Buttle’s ultimate fast food guide