How a bizarre Noosa training plan could save England’s failing Ashes tour

England’s Ashes hopes are fading fast but with a little help from Noosa (and AI), maybe not all is lost.

Ben Stokes and the England cricket team are hoping a Noosa getaway fixes their Ashes ills – and we reckon they may yet get the on-field answers they seek.

Using cutting-edge performance tech (we asked AI), here are the Noosa-tastic scenarios that the Poms may look to employ to help them with the weak parts of their game: batting, bowling, fielding and winning.

While England have already declared they are going to the holiday haven for rest and relaxation – apparently losing takes it out of you – we are doing our best to help our sorry touring friends.

Batting with brains

Joe Root and the England Ashes cricket team could get in some extra training in Noosa. Picture: AI

If England’s top order can find some zen anywhere, surely it’s while doing throwdowns at Main Beach in between surf lessons and queues for gelato on Hastings Street.

Picture this: Silent leaves as sunburnt tourists wander across the sight screen, surf lifesavers jog past in formation, and the bowling machine spits random deliveries. Each correct leave earns a “sauce token” redeemable at Betty’s Burgers.

This drills throttle control under distraction, sharpens off-stump judgement, and minimises brain-fade swipes into second slip.

How to bowl on the pitch

Jofra Archer could pick up some tips while in Noosa. Picture: AI

The famous Noosa Hinterland Reverse-Swing Runway.

Cones mark shiny-side corridors; the seam must match the lane or the bowler must publicly apologise to a Kookaburra (bird or ball — either works).

Palm-tree shadows create deceptive angles, and the rule remains clear: No crossovers or you’re carrying teammates’ paddleboards back to the house.

The payoff? Repeatable wrist position, accuracy and humility - three things England sometimes forget.

Fielding for dummies

Ben Stokes has a window of time to fix England’s woes, according to AI.

Fans of chaos will love lagoon bombs with ibis distraction techniques hosted at Noosa River.

AFL-style torpedo balls launched at dusk, no back-pedalling allowed, while rogue ibis strut behind like winged paparazzi. If someone panics, a paddleboarder drifts through the drill for added carnage.

It teaches:

• commitment under aerial pressure

• safe hands

• communication

• and how to laugh off drops instead of looking deeply betrayed.

Keeping an open mind

Maybe a player like Harry Brook needs some help in Noosa to stay adaptable with his game. Picture: AI

Behold: Sunshine-Coast storm-front DLS scramble, run during a Noosa afternoon storm cell.

Sprinklers, wet grips, shifting target scores on laminated DLS cards, and positional swaps mid-over.

Quick plans, calm words, no sulking.

Perfect for England, whose mid-innings tantrums could politely improve.

Strengthening of character

England keeper Jamie Smith has looked forlorn on the Ashes tour but Noosa could lift his spirits.

Instead of a Brisbane sledge school, England experience: Hastings Street Polite-Only Sledge Class.

Local surf-club veterans deliver high-grade Noosa banter. England must reply only with compliments such as: “lovely tan, mate” or “spectacular takeaway technique at Aromas.”

If anyone crosses a line, the offender must wear the Pineapple Headgear of Shame and join a sunrise yoga session at Tea Tree Bay.

Outcome?

• composure

• humour in heat

• friction turned into theatre

• focus preserved

Ideal preparation before facing actual Australians.

Originally published as How a bizarre Noosa training plan could save England’s failing Ashes tour