Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

Forming close connections or strong feelings for those within close friendship circles is a challenge many couples can face. But is there a way forward? Expert Melissa Ferrari has the answers.

Overcoming strong feelings for someone you are close with can be a challenge.

Forming close connections or strong feelings for those within close friendship circles is a challenge many couples can face. But is there a way forward?

Expert Melissa Ferrari has the answers.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?

Dear Melissa

I’m in a relationship, but I’ve developed feelings I’ve tried to get rid of for my boyfriend’s brother … and apparently, he feels the same way. Now I’m stuck in this weird love triangle and have no clue what to do. Do I tell my boyfriend or just keep it to myself? I’m so worried about how this is going to mess up my relationship with him and his family. It’s honestly so awkward. What should I do?

Melissa’s response

The first thing I want to say is that forming close connections or strong feelings for those within close friendship circles we spend a lot of time with, is a challenge many couples can face.

It also a sign that developing such feelings is a sign of great insecurity within your own relationship, that will need to be addressed.

To pursue a relationship with a close family member of your partner would be seen as a betrayal of trust that will not only impact the three of you, but also your partners family.

Not knowing whether you have pursued something further with your partners brother, or at a point of flirting with each other, it is difficult to advise around the kind of conversation you need to have with your partner.

The best way forward in any relationship is to be open and honest, the potential emotions that are involved in having a discussion with your partner around feelings that you and his brother have for each other, complicates such a discussion.

The fact that you cannot shake these feelings, leads me to forecast that the two of you staying together in this relationship has a very poor prognosis.

What I would suggest is to seek out some personal counselling for yourself to help you to identify what has led you to you to this difficult situation and with that support behind you, navigate the best way forward for all of you.

Communication is the key to any relationship.

SHOULD I BE WORRIED?

Dear Melissa

My girlfriend keeps snooping through my phone. Is that cheating?

Melissa’s response

Checking someone’s phone without permission is not cheating, but it is a ‘betrayal of trust.’

It also suggests, given your girlfriend feels the need to check your phone, that you may have trust issues in your relationship that needs to be addressed.

This could be resulting from something that has happened within your current relationship around trust, or something that your girlfriend has brought to the relationship through previous experience.

A change in behaviour can also be a factor, such as placing your phone on silent, leaving it face down or taking it with you with you every time you leave a room, which can be a trigger to those who have experienced cheating in the past.

These trust issues need to be addressed, as when we are open and transparent about how we are feeling and what is concerning us, the stronger our relationship becomes.

Conversations around trust can be difficult to have, particularly if you are dealing with past issues around betrayal within your relationship or something that has happened in a previous relationship – so get some help from relationship counsellor comfortable with.

Together you can then work on agreements, around things such as sharing passcodes or accessing each other’s devices, limiting the potential for conflict around that behaviour.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now