Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

A man reveals he is uncertain about his girlfriend’s intentions after discovering she applied for a polarising reality TV series.

Melissa Ferrari has helped countless couples resolve issues in their relationships.

A man is feeling a little unsure about whether the woman he is seeing is serious about their relationship after learning she applied to Married at First Sight behind his back.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

IS SHE USING ME?

It’s important not to jump to conclusions when you find concerning emails.

Dear Melissa

Just found out my girlfriend of three months applied for Married at First Sight behind my back. Saw the email by accident, and now I’m wondering if she was just using me. Do I confront her or just bail? Feeling blindsided and questioning everything about us. I don’t know if it was a joke, but aren’t those application forms incredibly long?

Melissa’s response

I can understand your concerns; you seem invested in the relationship and have now come across some information that suggests that your girlfriend may not be as invested as you.

What is needed is a direct conversation with your girlfriend that will get you some facts around where your relationship is at.

Are you exclusive to each other?

Is she interested in a long-term relationship with you?

Is she invested in the relationship?

Are you building trust with each other?

Once you have the facts you are then going to be able make a decision around the future that you both have and whether to begin to work on building a strong relationship, where you are there for each other.

You may find that she applied to MAFS for a bit of fun or because she does not view the relationship as seriously as you do.

The only forward is to have that conversation, to be open with each other and share what you both feel – from there you will be able to both navigate your way forward.

DOES HE REALLY VALUE WHAT I DO?

Communication about household chores is important to every relationship.

Dear Melissa

My partner complained today when I didn’t ask him how his day was at work. I don’t always ask as soon as he gets home. He had just walked in the door and was putting something away. I said to him that you didn’t ask how my day was either and you don’t often ask, either. He said, well, you were just at home today. Yes, I was off work looking after our sick child and a dog that had vomited. It feels like he doesn’t value things I do around the house.

Melissa’s response

What you are talking to is the importance in a relationship of the ‘rituals’ we create, with how we deal with separation and reunion one of the most important rituals in our relationships.

From when we were young children, we felt great anxiety when separated from our parents and as adults that anxiety live with us when we are separated from our partner.

The importance of a meaningful kiss and hug goodbye in the morning and then the same greeting when we are reunited in the evening can help regulate our nervous system and ease our feeling of anxiousness.

Strong and healthy couples take care of each other’s anxieties and build rituals that protect each other.

When we reunite in a meaningful physical way, by taking that moment to share how much we care for each other, we regulate our nervous system and ease our anxieties – it also encourages us to open up to each other about our time away.

This is something that I work on regularly with couples in my practice who have then through building these rituals into their relationships, have reported that they are happier and more aligned and connected to each other.

When we don’t, as you are experiencing, we can feel unimportant, neglected and resentment can build which will ultimately result in conflict and become a potential threat to the relationship.

So have that conversation with your husband, talk about how you both are feeling and the importance of creating a ritual by finding time before you separate for the day, then again when you reunite, to share a genuine and meaningful moment with each other – it will make an enormous difference to your relationship.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now