Domestic violence: Sydney woman reveals her escape from DV nightmare

One woman reveals her horrific treatment at the hands of a man who at first seemed like a dream partner — but turned into a violent, controlling nightmare. READ HER STORY

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She has changed her name, closed all her social media accounts and deleted her personal email account. After finding a tracker on her phone, she has cut it off, has a new one and new number and she has left Sydney.

The woman, who did not want to be identified, is one of many who endured horrific abuse that worsened during the pandemic.

Last week her ex-partner was found guilty of domestic violence, intimidation and coercive control. This is her story.

I had to get out. I’d be dead otherwise. I want to live my life but I know it would not have ended well with what he was doing.

We met three years ago on a dating site. He said he wanted a serious relationship. I was quite vulnerable because I’d left an 11-year marriage two years prior.

He ticked all the boxes, he was very attentive to begin with. My ex-husband didn’t really care where I went or who I was with but this guy wanted to know where I was at every moment of the day, messaging me when I was out, asking where I was location-wise.

I guess it was a red flag. I did question him but he said this is normal, this is what you do in a relationship.

But then there was more controlling behaviour — about what I wore, how I did my hair, what colour suited me.

There was even control over what food I ate, when I ate, how many calories I consumed and if I ate something he didn’t like he’d just lose it.

A woman who does not want to be identified, has revealed her domestic violence nightmare. Picture: Generic image/iStock

In March last year, we went to Melbourne and I ordered some dumplings at the place we were staying and he just lost it with me. He told the waiters to take the food away, that it was disgusting, and then he took me by the arm out of there and then acted as if nothing had happened once we were outside.

We then walked to a burger place and he bought a burger and fries and was like ‘you can’t have any, but I need to eat’.

I went back to the hotel and tried to pack and he lifted up the suitcase and threw it at my head — luckily it missed.

I tried to leave and he grabbed me by the neck and my head hit the wall. I screamed and ran out of the room and went to stay in my best friend’s room.

The next day he played the ‘I don’t remember card’. At this point, I didn’t know he’d put a tracker on my phone but he found me in the shopping centre having a coffee and he made out it was me who pushed him to do what he did, and that I need to take responsibility for it.

I told him he had to get help and the only way I would get back with him was if he got counselling.

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He went and got help after that and he did improve. I said that was the only way we’d get back together and he did for a while and I saw an improvement. We ended up moving in together, he was fine and then fast forward to COVID.

We were affected straight away. He lost his job for nine weeks and he went into quite a deep depression. He’d be drinking two or three bottles of wine and taking pot every night.

Then my online business was being successful and the more it was the more he belittled me, called me bulldog head and told me how overweight I was.

He’d go through the bin to see what I had been eating, what portion sizes I had, and then he’d criticise the house and take me by the arm and he’d show me how I was meant to clean the house properly, like he’d show me the kitchen floors and point out how dirty it was.

I threatened to leave many times but he’d gaslight me and tell me it was all my fault he was drinking too much.

Domestic violence has been on the rise during the pandemic. Picture: iStock/Getty

It was escalating every day in that last week in September before I left. It was getting physical with him backing me into corners where I wouldn’t respond, because I didn’t want it to escalate.

Then I’d go upstairs and pretend to ring a friend, or I’d go to parks and wait until he was passed out and it was safe to go home. Or I’d sit at a friend’s.

I rang work and asked for time off with a personal situation where I am fearing with my safety. I went to stay with a friend and then I told him I wasn’t coming back.

I couch surfed for several weeks before finding new accommodation and blocked him on my phone.

I found somewhere to live and that week he had people following me. He’d done stuff so he could read messages off my phone, he was getting other people to ring me.

I rang his sister and told her to get him help. She told me that he’d done that to her and harmed her and she was too scared to go to the police.

I went to the police but they kind of did not know what to do. They didn’t take me seriously.

While I was in the police station being interview he messaged me 25 times on email.

Police did not deem it life or death situation so I lost it and told them ‘the whole system was f**ked. You are questioning me like I have done something wrong and you are not believing me’.

I explained to them coercive control. Coercive abuse is so much more damaging to your emotional and mental health.

After I stormed out in anger, I later went back to the police station to press charges.

Based on the information I shared they put in place a two-year apprehended violence order.

He can never know where I live, he cannot get in touch with me or have third parties contacting me.

They charged him with intimidation and coercive behaviour. He was found guilty last week, but he pleaded mental health so they have given him a strict two-year mental health care program.

Last week I found out the phone had a tracker. The lawyer said the phone probably had a tracker so my work checked it and it was the case, they gave me a new phone and new number straight away.

I’m still worried. He still has free will. He could still track me down if he wanted to.

I am at the point where I think about shaving my hair off and wearing wigs, but I want other women to know you can get out.

I want other women to know you can get out, it’s hard, but get advice.

Trust your gut, if it tells you it is wrong, it’s wrong. Get support from a group of women who can help you, have a backup plan, pack your passport and valuables, a backpack of clothes and get the hell out.