Vikki Campion: Platitudes on power help hide the politics of spin

Labor’s consultation paper for its $1.9 billion policy to make Australia ‘a renewable energy superpower’ is a prime example of a strange language known as ‘platitudism’. Vikki Campion translates.

There is a strange language used in the rarefied atmosphere of government buildings – it’s called “platitudism”.

You learn it at university in arts and comms degrees. It uses flowery motherhood statements, little fact, few (if any) statistics, devoid of nexus to the world discussed, and centres on a future nirvana where life coaches power the Australian economy.

Google translate cannot help with platitudism. Sometimes you need to hear a native speaker to get a better comprehension.

The best way to do this is to go to a contemporary art gallery and sidle up to someone describing the qualities of splotches of acrylic paint, or any place dispensing coffee within a 200m radius of a government office.

Climate Change Minister Chris Bowen has become a master in platitudism, where this week’s Powering the Regions Fund paper shows off his cadence and should adorn the salon walls of any contemporary art museum for aspiring proteges to interpret.

You will know when Mr Bowen becomes the grand master when his works become incomprehensible, catching flies with his environmental chopsticks, and his steely glare will assure you he is the most enlightened in the room.

Malcolm Turnbull will also be tweeting his support.

Climate Change and Energy Minister Chris Bowen is becoming a grand master in ‘platitudism’, writes Vikki Campion. Picture: NCA NewsWire/Gary Ramage

Labor’s consultation paper for its star $1.9 billion policy to make Australia “a renewable energy superpower” reveals the platitudism indulged by Mr Bowen.

The 600,000 jobs promised during the election from Powering the Regions have disappeared down the same hole as the $275 power bill cut.

Grand masters have educated him. Andrew “Twiggy” Forest and Mike Cannon-Brookes, whose recent love-child, Sun Cable, has gone into administration on the reality that Southeast Asia does not want to buy green power in Australia dearer than the gas they already use.

Singaporeans are disgustingly traditional in their economics — sticking to those arcane laws of buying at the lowest price possible.

We don’t do that in platitudism.

Fortescue executive chairman Andrew Forrest. Picture: AAP Image

The only number in the document is zero — net zero.

No estimates of jobs that will be lost in this move to “decarbonise”, along with no transparency of the vast swathes of land required for solar, wind, carbon credits and new transmission lines.

There’s no analysis of the economic fallout on regional communities by undermining the foundation of the Australian economy, mining and agriculture with a stranglehold of new regulations.

Let’s break it down.

Platitudism: “Many industries are already reducing their emissions, however, hard-to-abate processes remain — such as in metal refining and chemical manufacturing where some clean technology options are not yet commercially available or yet to be demonstrated at scale.”

Translation: Many industries are leaving Australia to go to other countries because they are unviable under our net-zero policies.

Atlassian co-CEO Mike Cannon-Brookes. Picture: Getty Images

Platitudism: “Unlocking these opportunities will reduce emissions and help unlock emerging global markets for green products.”

Translation: We are butchering our economy and desperately need to convince people we have the plan to replace it with something else.

Platitudism: “Many businesses are already moving towards clean-energy industries such as green hydrogen, bioenergy, alternative fuels including sustainable aviation fuel, energy storage and firming, green metals, critical minerals, solar and wind.”

Translation: Industries that are left are applying for government subsidies and grants so that the taxpayer picks up the bill under the auspices that they support a government net-zero policy. If a government subsidy does not turn up, they will be “moving towards” another country.

In platitudism, “moving towards” means moving to Indonesia, Bangladesh or China. There is not one green hydrogen plant in Australia. We don’t produce green metals, as we don’t produce flying bricks.

Platitudism: “Investment is needed at the early-stage testing and demonstrating of different technologies as this is the highest risk stage. If these projects are not successful, the lessons learnt are still beneficial.”

Translation: After we blow billions we can say we learnt our lesson. Like crashing the family car into a tree and asking the kids in the back, “what did we learn from that?”.

Platitudism: “The final objective of the Powering the Regions Fund is to continue government purchase of carbon credits.”

Translation: A wink and a nod to financial traders who can see a new house at Byron Bay with this new sunrise trade whereby farmland is locked up for perpetual forests based on an idea that our international trading partners have net-zero goals and won’t buy anything we make, including our key exports – coal, iron ore, food and fibre – unless we are net zero too. The carbon traders will assuage their sneaking guilt about the immense wealth they have acquired by opening Zoom meetings with a tribute to elders past, present and emerging and acknowledgment of the traditional country on which they Zoom from. They will then go surfing.

Bowen’s Powering the Regions magnum opus can only be challenged in platitudism mastery by his review of Australian carbon credits, which claims that locking up farms for perpetual forest will create jobs.

Platitudism: “Carbon revenue streams create a more robust and sustainable business model for landholders. Enhanced cash flow enables landholders to invest and make improvements on their properties, leading to improved environmental conditions and increases in productivity. Financial viability (from diversification of revenue streams) encourages younger generations to return to rural and remote living and increases on-country job opportunities.”

Translation: Like when the dentist says, “this won’t hurt a bit”, you cannot take it literally. Claiming new regulations restricting how farms work will bring more people to the bush is like saying more people will visit my house if I weld the door shut.

The final trick is to convert your English back to platitudism for the native speaker to understand.

For instance, to say, “this will decimate our economy” in English is, to translate back to platitudism: “What incredible foresight. You geniuses certainly have it all figured out.”