Tim Blair’s 2024 predictions: who will be this year’s winners and losers
As the New Year dawns, Tim Blair gazes deep into his crystal ball and comes up with a list of top quality, 100 per cent guaranteed predictions for the coming 12 months.
Opinion
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As the New Year dawns, Tim Blair gazes deep into his crystal ball and comes up with a list of top quality, 100 per cent guaranteed predictions for the coming 12 months. Read on to discover who will be the big winners of 2024 and who will wish the New Year had never arrived at all.
JANUARY
Australia Day antagonists abandon their annual protest after realising that bringing disparate individuals and communities together for a shared cause is exactly what people do by celebrating Australia Day.
“We have become what we despise,” says crestfallen first-year arts enrollee Fyona Simp, who last week began spelling “black” without the “c”.
Cricket commentator Kerry O’Keeffe, who already refers to wicketkeepers as “wickies” and captains as “cappies”, adds “batties”, “bowlies” and “fieldies” to his repertoire. Asked if he’ll ever change his style, O’Keeffe replies: “I’ll leave that to the umpy.”
FEBRUARY
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese misses the opening of parliament while being treated for a combination of jet lag, altitude sickness and soft tissue injuries suffered during a fight over the centre armrest.
TAYTAY
The third month of the year now honours singer Taylor Swift, who purchased the exclusive 31-day time span for an undisclosed sum from previous owner Mars. “She’s a great kid, and I’m sure March is in capable hands,” the Roman god of war tells reporters, admitting that a signed poster of the billionaire performer “certainly sweetened the deal”.
Chris Minns dismisses rumours of a leadership challenge, but an unnamed Labor source believes the NSW premier is definitely under threat. “There’s an old saying in Australian politics,” the source says. “Beware the Ides of TayTay.”
APRIL
Lisa Wilkinson refuses to attend a 75th anniversary celebration of her appointment as editor of Dolly, claiming she wasn’t a cheap tabloid journalist, never worked at the trashy teen magazine, and it must have been a different Lisa Wilkinson.
Pfizer releases a breakthrough three-stage injectable medication that the company says will cure people from pretending they still need to wear masks.
MAY
In a last-minute revision to the federal budget, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese pushes Australia deep into surplus by donating his frequent flyer points.
For the first time in its history, not a single tune in the Eurovision Song Contest is performed in a native European language. “It’s important that this event moves with the times,” spokesman Saeed Mogadishu says in translated comments.
JUNE
Attempting to regain popularity following last year’s disastrous Voice vote, the Labor government announces a referendum endorsing “love, friendship and eternal Australian happiness”. Former Voice campaigners Noel Pearson, Marcia Langton and Thomas Mayo all vote no and then take a week off for the traditional dreamtime sooking period.
Noticing a statistically significant presence of hot older women in suburban hardware stores, psychologists identify a phenomenon known as the Bunnings-Cougar effect.
JULY
The opening ceremony of the Paris Olympics is thrown into disarray after the German team shoves the host nation’s athletes aside and continues marching unopposed to the North Sea.
AUGUST
Former royals Harry and Meghan strike a defiant tone as a shock poll shows that no animate creature on earth is interested in them, including bamboo and caterpillars.
“We’re just living out our own personal truths in tranquillity and dignity,” the couple declare via their separate OnlyFans accounts.
“Besides,” adds Harry, “if you want to talk about being unpopular, how about that Swedish climate bird? You know, the one who learned even less at school than I did.”
Greta Thunberg declines to respond.
The mood in Paris changes as Games attendees realise that a blazing night sky, enormous columns of smoke and a colourful parade of police vehicles, ambulances and fire engines aren’t part of the Olympics closing ceremony after all.
SEPTEMBER
An electric vehicle competes in the Bathurst 1000 for the first time. To give the EV and lead driver Chris Bowen a fighting chance, his rechargeable racer leaves the grid two weeks ahead of the endurance classic’s scheduled October starting date.
Following a barrage of “tax the rich” and “close the wealth gap” pieces from the ABC, the federal government calls the broadcaster’s bluff. From now on the ABC will be funded entirely by massive sums extracted from wealthy urban posers, a measure widely celebrated as the “Teal tax” or “luvvie levy”.
OCTOBER
A fire alarm sends politicians fleeing from Parliament House – all except for Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, who following more than two years of pre-flight air safety drills now responds to any audible warnings by tightening his belt and bracing in the crash position.
In a cost-cutting move worth millions, KIIS FM replaces Kyle Sandilands with a basic artificial intelligence program that talks about itself, recites obscenities, occasionally storms off air, buys horrible furniture and has boring mates. In a further cost-cutting move, Jackie O is punted for some random in the promotions department.
NOVEMBER
One year to the day since they entered the Rozelle Interchange, three motorists finally escape Sydney’s most bewildering traffic junction. The trio face months of trauma therapy as they re-adapt to life on the surface, plus a combined total of $18,650 in road tolls. Fourteen drivers remain unaccounted for.
Interrupted by an apparent electric fault during his rousing US election victory speech, the flickering image of a differently-dressed Donald Trump reappears on screen a few minutes later robotically conceding the contest to incumbent Joe Biden. The internet then shuts down for what the triumphant Biden administration says will be four years of “routine maintenance”.
DECEMBER
Still bandaged after his race-ending battery fire at Mount Panorama, Climate and Energy Minister Chris Bowen announces a new form of wind turbine that will be anchored neither on land or sea. “I’ll hook ’em up to the clouds, baby,” Bowens vows.
A spokeswoman says the plan is just as sensible as anything else Bowen has ever proposed.
Knee-deep in filth created by their decadent Christmas Eve partying, Bronte Beach revellers take time out to list their priorities for the coming year.
“The world needs to be cleaner and greener,” says one, kicking through a pile of waste in search of her boyfriend.
Why Labor fears ‘Ratimas’ in the ranks
Labor is finding out that, for many Muslim voters, just being better than the Liberal Party on Palestine isn’t good enough, writes James Campbell.
Credlin: Payman saga wiped out goodwill over cost-of-living relief
The start of power bill relief and tax cuts should have marked a rare good news week for the Albanese government. Instead it was hijacked by a turncoat senator who should have been disciplined by the PM weeks ago, writes Peta Credlin.