Tim Blair: The worst excuses for coming out of isolation
At the very least, coronavirus social distancing scofflaws caught breaking isolation rules could do everybody a big favour by coming up with imaginative explanations, writes Tim Blair.
Opinion
Don't miss out on the headlines from Opinion. Followed categories will be added to My News.
Australians were formerly very gifted at creating inventive excuses. That ability now seems to have vanished, just when it is needed most.
Put aside for a moment the recklessness of ignoring social distancing rules and consider instead the lame excuses being offered.
Why, some are more shameful than the offences themselves.
Asked last week by The Daily Telegraph to explain why he was living 90 minutes north in his Central Coast holiday home rather than in his central Sydney apartment, former NSW arts minister Don Harwin attempted a pity ploy.
“I live in a very built-up area in Sydney with high density,” Harwin pleaded. “Here I have windows that can open so I can have the fresh air and I can walk in fresh air and I have more room in my house here than I would have in my small apartment.”
And then photographs emerged of Harwin, now relieved of his post, waddling through a Sydney store during a shopping expedition. So much for all that “fresh air” he was raving about.
Still, at least Harwin had a go, as hopeless as his excuse clearly was.
By comparison, ponder five Sunshine Coast party people who were each fined more than $1300 last week after police interrupted their hotel room revelry.
Their excuse, or lack of one, was astonishing.
“These people claimed to be unaware that there was a pandemic and they were required to maintain social distance,” Sunshine Coast Acting Superintendent Jason Overland told media last week. “They were completely unaware of it.”
In legal circles, professing an absolute ignorance of widely-known facts is known as “Queensland education system syndrome”.
A little planning goes a long way if you’re trying to outfox police during our coronavirus containment era. Your sensible scofflaw is always armed with a plausible explanation.
One Melbourne man ignored this requirement.
He is now $1600 poorer after police pulled him over while driving in South Melbourne. Something like the following conversation then took place:
Cop: “Is there any purpose to you being on the road at this time, sir?”
Driver: “Er, yes. I want to buy a bottle of water.”
Cop: (long pause) “Licence, please.” (licence is presented)
Cop: “It says here you live in Wantirna South. That’s more than 40 kilometres away.”
Driver: “I’m practising to become an arts minister.”
That doomed strategy was also attempted in Spain, where a motorcyclist told police he was merely out to buy a loaf of bread.
It turned out he’d ridden 21 kilometres from his home and past five towns on this mundane mission.
Back in Australia, a Mt Druitt man used as his excuse a straightforward admission of guilt, which is an unusual way to go about things.
Invited to explain why he was hanging around a shopping mall, the fellow said he “had to get out and see his friends”.
Two hours later he was fined $1000 after falling asleep on a nearby bench. Socialising sure can take it out of a bloke.
First rule of excuses: multiples never work. A 41-year-old Bathurst man earned a $1000 fine after he gave police “several different reasons for being out of his home”.
Pick a story and stick to it, people.
And once you’ve decided on your excuse, it might be an idea to assemble some form of supportive evidence.
In Spain — apparently Australia’s main poor-excuse rival — three youngsters were recently intercepted by police who asked what they were up to.
Their reply: delivering newspapers.
But all three were fined after a quick police search of their vehicle uncovered not a single copy of La Voz de Galicia, that region’s best-selling daily, nor any other papers.
Here’s the thing with excuses: police actually have a grudging admiration for those who try something a little creative.
In that same way an inventive line from a beggar will generate more cash than the usual dull requests, an imaginative yet plausible excuse might get an illicit wanderer off the hook.
Police in the English village of Cullompton, for example, have taken to listing on social media some of the better travel excuses.
The individual who provided this line received only a warning: “I'm taking a beehive to a field.”
Note to lazy Spaniards: this person was actually in possession of a beehive at the time. Got to make sure the evidence matches the claim.
It pays during lockdowns and restrictions not to be the sort of person who is acutely aware of their assumed rights but has no idea at all about manners.
You know the type.
They’ll block overtaking lanes and claim the right to do so because they’re obeying the speed limit. It wouldn’t delay them at all if they moved over to let others by, but they don’t care.
Just such a person was fined in Sydney on Friday.
The 32-year-old woman had previously been warned after leaving her house for no reason, but was later spotted in the middle of a Surry Hills street.
“It’s a free country,” she told police. Or, in her case, an expensive one. That brief expedition cost $1000.
Always consider others during your coronavirus jaunts.
If you get caught, you’ll end up in the papers. At least give us an excuse we can enjoy.