Rowan Dean: Which invasion are we protesting?

As we take the time to look back at our complex and sometimes troubled history, let us examine the tides of history that have washed up on our shores and made Australia the great nation it is today

Tomorrow is Invasion Day, or so they keep telling us. So enjoy it. After all, Australia has a rich history of having been invaded many times in spectacular fashion. Here is a brief look at some of our most memorable invasions.

Invasion of the Botanists

Often mistaken for an invading army, the original landing party at Botany Bay in 1770 comprised three botanists wading ashore to check out the banksias.Australian gardens would never be the same again.

Invasion of the Ten Pound Poms

Starting immediately after World War II, the Pommy Invasion saw a mercenary army comprising wave after wave of out-of-work Scottish steelworker unionists, unemployed English sign-writers and redundant communist Welsh miners boarding an armada of vessels for only ten quid each in order to become multimillionaire Aussie rock stars, media moguls, actors, authors and politicians.

Julia Gillard, a barista, kiwis, Joseph Banks and Gough Whitlam — among the many “invaders” of Australia. Artwork: John Tiedemann

Invasion of the Bludgers

One of the most destructive invasions of Australia began with the election of Gough Whitlam in 1972. Suddenly, all you had to do was stick out your hand and the government would give you everything you could possibly dream of — free healthcare, free education, free welfare, free disability pensions, free sit-down-money and anything else you felt like bludging.Just fill in a form! Aussie taxpayers would never be the same again.

Invasion of the Mullets

In the mid-70s large communities across the continent were invaded by a powerful tribe of Bogans, who forcefully colonised entire suburbs one by one. From Dorrigo to Dapto, mullet-wearing warriors wore tight shorts called stubbies and drank beer exclusively from bottles called, er, stubbies.

Kiwi Invasion

Beginning in the early 80s, the Kiwi Invasion — spearheaded by struggling musicians and out-of-work actors — saw a flotilla of Kiwi flotsam and jetsam washing up on the beaches of Sydney and Melbourne where they rapidly dug in at all the pubs and hostels, and seized control of the local dole offices, which many still occupy to this day.

Rowan Dean.

Backpacker Invasion

Around the same time, armies of backpackers from across Europe descended onto the orchards and crop fields of remote Australia, where they found ample employment doing the jobs young, pot-smoking Aussies are simply too stoned to do themselves.

Invasion of the big, oaky, buttery Chardonnay

A classic reverse invasion from the mid-80s, when Australia briefly conquered the entire world.

Wog Invasion

Launched with an audacious attack by Nick Giannopoulos, the hugely successful Wog Invasion began in 1990 with a massive hit play called Wogs Out of Work, followed by a whole host of popular Wog-themed shows, books, and albums.Suddenly, being a Wog was the coolest type of Aussie and everyone wanted to get in on the act. Before long, even freckle-faced blue-eyed blondies were slicking back their hair, gorging on souvlaki, and running around in VFs chasing girls with big hair called Effie.

Barista Invasion

One of the inevitable consequences of the Wog Invasion was the late 90’s Barista Invasion. Traditional milk bars, with their silly plastic fly strips over the door, were closed down and converted into trendy ‘hipster’ cafes.Except nobody knew how to make a decent coffee, until the arrival of a new breed of Aussie – the handsome, stubbled, pony-tailed Barista. Even to this day, Barista is the fastest growing job in the booming Australian economy (which says all you need to know about the booming Australian economy).

Invasion of the latte-sippers

The downside of the successful Barista Invasion was that it spawned a new tribe of limp-wristed wusses who couldn’t stomach a neat espresso and instead had to dilute their coffee with frothy milk with silly heart shapes drawn on top.

Excessive latte-sipping invariably leads to an increase in the fatty tissue surrounding the brain and, evidence suggests, a profound loss of any intellectual abilities, particularly in those lobes associated with political thought. Latte-sippers invariably think Rudd and Gillard were successful Prime Ministers, hate Abbott, want to let in more boat people, support Palestinian murderers, think that the oceans are rising, hate Trump etc. etc.

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Invasion of the Foul-mouthed Feminazis

Not to be confused with the original invasion of the ‘70s “female eunuch” feminists, the second invasion began with a call-to-arms on the floor of parliament by a radical unmarried redhead feminist called Julia who blamed all men in blue ties who look at their watches during Question Time for the complete failure of her entire prime ministership.

The invasion has continued apace, with foul-mouthed feminazis nowadays tweeting “kill all men” and claiming that the religion that enslaves women in black shrouds is “the most feminist of religions”. Dangerous stuff.

Home Invasions

Around 2017, colourful groups of no specific ethnic, cultural or racial appearance enjoyed invading the leafy suburbs of Melbourne and helping themselves to whatever they could lay their hands on.

So many invasions in such a small time. Let’s party!

TRUMP, THE TRUE ACHIEVER

I have had it up to here with Trump Derangement Syndrome. And it’s not only the crazy feminists in the pink pussy hats. This week, a ­former Labor minister was asked to give his assessment of Trump’s first year in office.

Although conceding “some” ­improvements on the economy, he ­insisted “Trump has demeaned the dignity of the office of President”.

This is simply nuts. The dignity of the Oval Office was trashed the day Bill Clinton whipped out his cigar, and whatever else, in front of a doting ­female intern.

The dignity, and credibility, of the office was sunk the day Obama made his farcical claim that his presidency was when “the rise of the oceans began to slow”.

President Donald Trump’s actions include reinvigorating the economy. Picture: AP

Not to mention when a Nobel Peace Prize was given to Obama, the president who then gave us Libya, Syria and Iranian nukes.

From curbing illegal immigration, to pulling out of the futile, job-destroying Paris Agreement on climate change, to standing up for Israel and the Jewish people, to slashing taxes and reinvigorating the economy, Trump’s actions so far place him up there with Ronald Reagan as one of America’s great modern presidents.

The West succeeds when the US thrives. Trump haters, get real.

CLIMATE DRAMA YOU COULDN’T MAKE UP

In Victoria, hospitals are dimming their lights and turning off “inessential” medical equipment in order to conserve energy.

This is called in Lefty-speak “being a good corporate citizen”. I’d call it being a lousy bloody hospital, personally.

Elsewhere, another hospital is boasting of how it’s going to be run entirely on renewable energy — solar panels, wind turbines and the madcap pushing-water-uphill Snowy 2.0 scheme, presumably.

A cold snap hits Germany. Picture: AFP

Remind me to check in elsewhere if I happen to be hopping into an iron lung anytime soon.

Worse, there was so little wind across our vast continent during last week’s energy-consuming heatwave that the amount of electricity being generated by so-called “wind farms” was virtually non-existent.

Not to be outdone, over in Germany, millions of solar panels sat covered in deep snow during one of the coldest European winters in years, thanks to only 10 hours of sunshine in a month.

Such cold snaps, the Lefties tell us with straight faces, are caused by “global warming” and “climate change” leading to “extreme weather events”.

So Germany has had to rely on restarting its coal plants, bringing in nuclear power from France, or Scandinavian hydro, or Russian gas. You couldn’t make this stuff up.

Rowan Dean’s novel ‘Corkscrewed’ out www.wilkinsonpublishing.com.au