Rowan Dean: The beauty and fun of Identity Politics

THE country’s big banks want our love, courting even the leftie fringe, but now it’s all ended in tears as Identity Politics comes into play, says Rowan Dean.

WHEN you’re playing cards in Monte Carlo or Las Vegas, they say the bank always wins. Every James Bond fan knows that. In Australia, however, it’s now the other way round. The big ­lesson of last week was that when it comes to playing cards in Australia, the bank will always lose. I’m talking, of course, about when it comes to playing the most popular card game of our era — Identity Politics.

To play Identity Politics, you have to have a full house of as many “diverse” and “inclusive” identities as you possibly can in your hand at any one time. The gayer, more leftie, more gender-fluid, more racially colourful the better. For a royal flush, you need five LGBTIQ cards in your hand — including a queen, obviously.

Alternatively, you can play with two of a kind: two gays and two greenies. Or perhaps a Muslim, an indigenous Aussie, a transgender and an ecowarrior. Take your pick.

The only hand you dare not play is a set of straight whites. That way you instantly lose all credibility, as Bill Shorten discovered this week to his horror when he foolishly starred in a Labor ad with only white caucasians in it. He folded within minutes.

Unlike most card games, in Identity Politics you show your hand as often as you possibly can to as many people as you possibly can. By doing this you display your “compassion” and you spruik your “progressive” credentials. But are you caring enough? Are you diverse enough? Are you inclusive enough?

The beauty and fun of Identity Politics is that the stakes just keep getting higher and higher. Everyone assumes the winner will naturally be the person (or institution) that can bend over backwards to attract as many trendy identities or leftie causes to their brand as possible. But that’s the catch. You can be as diverse and inclusive and as luvvy as you like, but if you’re a bank, you’re bound to lose.

The big ­lesson of last week was that when it comes to playing cards in Australia, the bank will always lose, says Rowan Dean.

Take ANZ. They thought they had a winning hand when, back in 2014, they launched the world’s first ever “GayTM” (get it?). These were normal ATMs around Bondi and Sydney’s trendy Paddington, home of the Mardi Gras, that were redecorated with vivid colours and sequins. Gays and lesbians flocked to take pics of themselves at the machines.

The idea won lots of advertising awards, but what was telling was the PR release: “The target audience was ANZ employees, potential employees, customers and the LGBTQ community. The desired outcome was 20+ million media impressions and a lift in social sentiment towards the brand”.

In other words, the idea behind playing the gay identity card was, above all, to be liked by the broader public at large.

The rival Commbank knew they had to up the ante and became involved with something called IDAHOT, an acronym that’s a little too close to “Idiot” for my liking, but I’m picky about stuff like that. IDAHOT is: the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia & Biphobia. Clearly, Commbank thought they were on to a winner.

Rowan Dean.

An internal staff email from chief executive Ian Narev spells out the aim of the game: “Every year Commonwealth Bank celebrates IDAHOT, and this year we’re also supporting Rainbow Families — an organisation that provides community and social support to LGBTI families. Sponsoring Rainbow Families underscores our support for the diversity of our customers, employees and shareholders. We are proud of our commitment to diversity and inclusion.”

Those magic words: diversity and inclusion. And to top it off, the email points out that the venue for the festivities is “known for the heritage chimney stacks”. The heritage card, too!

Well, Westpac weren’t going to sit back and take all that lightly. New chief executive Brian Hartzer, an American, decided he’d play the feminist card, informing Australians that they were a bunch of misogynists because of our single sex school system.

He also revealed his “unconscious bias” towards white men, meaning he will now (presumably) avoid giving them any jobs.

Then, in a fit of madness, Brian threw down his best card: climate change. Westpac, he announced the other day, would no longer invest in coal power generation. The greenies went doolally with excitement. Shareholders? Maybe not quite so thrilled.

But here’s the thing. While the banks were all busy playing Identity Politics, desperate to be loved by the Left instead of just getting on with making money, the Turnbull government snuck up behind them and sandbagged them with a massive multi-billion dollar tax hike.

Why? Because, as Scott Morrison proudly and weirdly boasted, nobody likes the banks anyway.

All that hard work for nothing. In Identity Politics, the banks just can’t turn a trick.