Pay rise role plays seal the deal for millennials (and mums)

When nappies are a memory and teen tantrums a distant nightmare, there’s a sweet spot where kids become fully-formed people who finally see you as a valuable ally, writes ANGELA MOLLARD.

Parents can help adult children with advice on everything from preparing meals to [pursuing pay rises. Picture: Supplied

My daughter is asking for a pay rise at her work.

“But what do I say?” she asks.

So we role play.

I ask her to explain what she feels she brings to the position, how the job has changed and how she’s upskilled to meet the requirements.

Then I pretend to be her boss. Which is fun.

I push back, making up stories about how the company doesn’t have the cash flow and that we’ll reconsider in the new financial year. I point out that she’s young, still at university (which I don’t think is allowed), and I make up a story about a mistake she made.

“Er, OK,” she says resignedly.

Parents can play a valuable role in helping their offspring navigate the real world of offci politics.

I quickly throw off my boss hat and put my mum hat back on.

“No!” I yelp, perhaps a little sternly. “You don’t say ‘OK’ like some helpless pleaser. You say you’re disappointed and you’ll have to give the matter some thought. You want to give the impression you’ll be straight on the Seek website the second you leave the office.”

And then I tell her about the first time I asked for a pay rise. How when I get nervous a bright red rash creeps up my neck and how my boss, thinking I was going to pass out, gave me an increase on the spot.

No one tells you about this stage of parenting, this wonderful interlude when they’ve left school and are learning to adult. You’ve got no idea when you’re changing nappies or fashioning clown costumes or managing tech boundaries or worrying about drugs, that you’ll arrive in this glorious clearing with a fully formed person who finally sees you, not as a disciplinarian or their personal maid, but as an ally.

We tut about this generation’s prolonged adolescence but rarely do we celebrate the parenting joy it offers. Likewise, we’re so caught up in the shame of being helicopter parents that we fail to appreciate the closeness we’ve fostered with our kids and how the emotional language we’ve equipped them with means our relationships continue to flourish long after they leave home.

PARENTAL WISDOM

Indeed, I’ve had friends remark that we’re the first generation of parents our kids actually like.

Not only do my two daughters – one still at home, one out – still want to go on holiday with me but they regard me as both a sounding board and a resource.

In any week I can be troubleshooting subjects as diverse as healing a broken heart, travel insurance requirements or raw chicken management.

In an age when social media reigns supreme as their primary go-to, I love that they still seek the wisdom of mum. Even better, that deep thread of communication means I’m constantly being updated on their views, challenges and the concerns of their generation.

Because for all the pithy memes and all the intergenerational digs where they call us “Karens” or “OK, Boomers” and we brand them “snowflakes”, we have a deeper connection than parent-child relationships of the past.

I never told my parents when I went on birth control or when a relationship became controlling. I didn’t seek their advice as to whether I should join the pension fund when I was working in Britain (I didn’t) or if I should invest (again, I didn’t).

Conversely, my daughters know my exact financial position and instead of letting them subscribe to the defeatist dialogue that they will never own a home, we talk regularly about the steps required to get there.

Sometimes I wonder why they’re not taught vital things at school. Civics, for example.

Honestly, how can you leave formal education without a comprehensive examination of the structures that underpin society at local, state and federal level? Or the value of compounding interest – surely more important than proficiency with the periodic table? Or the basics of how HECS/HELP works. Or what it means to be right wing or left wing. Or asking for that pay rise.

As well as filling in the gaps on the practical – recently we discussed the need to wash new sheets and towels before use – we’re constantly navigating the big personal questions. How to resolve conflict. How to say no. How you may not be able to change your circumstances but you can choose your attitude. Why it’s important to be kind to the people you love the most. Why you need to get comfortable with discomfort. Why giving outwards is an antidote to ruminating inwards.

Recently I asked them both to name one thing of value that we’ve talked about.

Daughter 1: “Writing down your feelings on paper, whether that’s a letter when you’re angry about something, or a birthday card where you tell someone what they mean to you.” Daughter 2: “Even from being very little you encouraged us to ask people questions about themselves. That’s helpful now.”

So much about raising kids is portrayed as a trudge and a drudge. Maybe it was. But this, here, now, is the parenting prize. Oh, and she did get the pay rise.