Patrick Carlyon: Who is (and isn’t) invited to Dan’s birthday bash

With Dan Andrews celebrating his 50th this week, we take a (tongue in cheek) look at who he’s inviting to his birthday party – and who is off the list.

Dan Andrews turns 50 on Wednesday. Let’s take a (tongue in cheek) look at who he’s inviting to his birthday party – and who is off the list.

ON THE LIST:

Labor’s new frontbench: Last month they were so anonymous they couldn’t even have scored a free ticket to a North Melbourne-GWS game. Now they run the state. Given almost every potential rival for the Premier’s position has abandoned ship, this birthday will be a great way for the new frontbench to get to know each other. They can pledge their undying loyalty to Dan or, when he’s not looking, start plotting their path to topple him and take the top job. It’s a political party after all. Due to their lack of experience, they’ll be placed at the kids’ table, have to wear name tags, and be limited to one red cordial each.

Daniel Andrews’ new cabinet.

The Fox family: The Premier’s favourite billionaires, to be seated on the top table, will probably bring a few bottles of their best French plonk. Their only request is that the party venue is vetted for any slippery stairs. You know how rumours can start.

Police Chief Commissioner Shane Patton: You need security at a big 50th bash and Patton has dutifully provided the law enforcement muscle for the Premier over the pandemic, rubber bullets and all. One worry – the invitation doesn’t specify if you need to be quadruple vaxxed to attend or if the playground will be taped off.

Victorian Police Commissioner Shane Patton has scored an invite. Picture: David Crosling

Anthony Albanese: The cousins from Canberra can be an awkward fit at functions like this. But Albo’s gift of extending 50-50 federal-state hospital funding until after the Victorian state election guarantees him top table placement.

The unions: Think holding a 50th is as simple as snags on the barbie and a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey? It will require 32 union officials to sign off on the barbecue’s safety protocols. This will take 3 to 6 working days and can’t be done if it’s raining or the temperature is over 27.3C. Union-certified snags cost $40 a kilo and require a full time health and welfare officer, armed with a Stop/Go lollipop stick, to observe each turn of the sausages, a role to be shared equally between a man, woman and non-binary person.

Of course, the barbecue can’t be powered by gas because it will endanger Victoria’s emission targets. Its firing up may be delayed by soil tests and costs could run billions of dollars over the party budget. Vegan sausages must get equal representation on the barbie, along with plant-based burger patties.

The diversity officer has ruled out donkeys for pin-the-tail games because this discriminates against other farmyard animals. Which is lucky, because the animal welfare committee was going to close down the whole event due to cruelty to donkeys.

Albo’s gift of extending 50-50 federal-state hospital funding until after the Victorian state election guarantees him top table placement.

The Reason Party’s Fiona Patten, the Animal Justice Party’s Andy Meddick, the Greens’ Samantha Ratnam: At one point deep in lockdown, after rubberstamping Dan’s various new laws and restrictions, this trio thought they were besties with the Premier. Then Labor preferenced the Reason Party and Animal Justice Party behind the Liberal Democrats and the Justice Party on its how-to-vote cards for the Senate race in Victoria. Despite this middle finger, the three are so keen to do Dan’s bidding they’ve begged for an invitation. Dan said yes – after secret negotiations – but with conditions. They have to serve the drinks and clean the dishes. They cannot speak to other guests or have red cordial.

OFF THE LIST

Brett Sutton: Who wants a party pooper telling everyone to be home by 9pm? And to put on their mask when they’re staying 1.5m apart on the dance floor? Sutton used to be joined at the hip with Dan. But now there’s no votes in lockdowns, he’s just a depressing reminder of the Premier’s cancelled 48th and 49th birthday parties.

Sorry Brett Sutton it doesn’t look like you’re getting an invite. Picture: Daniel Pockett

The hospitality industry: The birthday boy is as popular as salmonella in the restaurant industry after his world’s longest lockdown hit the sector hard. The chances of Dan getting a booking anywhere in Melbourne look slim – that’s why it’s an outdoor barbecue for this birthday.

Karen from Brighton: Because she’ll call the party “boring” and talk about better parties elsewhere.

Scott Morrison and Josh Frydenberg: You would have thought a whopper gift like $28bn in Victorian JobKeeper payments would guarantee a prime seat at celebrations. But ScoMo and Josh have changed jobs recently and Dan claims the invitations must have got lost in mail.

Former Prime minister Scott Morrison won’t be making an appearance. Picture: NCA NewsWire/Sarah Matray

White bread: Because it fails the first 73 key performance indicators of the Reconciliation Action Plan.

Labor’s old frontbench: 50 is the new 40 for Dan and this group now remind him too much of distant uncles and aunts, telling you the same old story over and over again, before drinking too much punch and passing out in the pavlova. But he hasn’t completely blanked them – Dan’s promised to invite them to his statue unveiling in a few years.

Gladys Berejiklian: Because her birthday parties are widely recognised as the “gold standard”.

Adem Somyurek: If you want a big party with lots of members, Adem used to be the expert with the invitation list. But after he added a few too many freeloading relatives to the numbers, he’s been banished from all official duties – and even Dan’s Party itself.

Originally published as Patrick Carlyon: Who is (and isn’t) invited to Dan’s birthday bash