Pandemic should mark the end of Australia and New Zealand rivalry
There’s nothing to be gained by our tired yet ongoing rivalry rhetoric between Australia and New Zealand, or between Australia’s states and territories. The pandemic is pummelling us on every front and we need to stick together, Angela Mollard writes.
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I had a Zoom call with my mum and two brothers this week during which we lamented what our respective countries lacked.
My elder brother has lived in Japan for 25 years and my mum and younger brother live in New Zealand. I, of course, live here after a childhood growing up in New Zealand and a decade in the UK.
My big brother was thrilled because Mum had sent him a stash of gravy mix (you can’t get it in Japan, apparently).
My New Zealand-based brother wanted one of us to send him some of those little sticks you use to clean between your teeth. Seriously, New Zealand is holding a referendum on assisted dying and they reportedly can’t manufacture or import interdental brushes?
Anyway, I followed up by sending them the video made by a Kiwi guy which went viral this week after he listed all the reasons why “Australia is better than New Zealand”.
Ethan Wooland was having a laugh but he made some good points about healthcare, cost of living and earning potential. He also compared petrol prices and night-life, concluding that Australia was “a lot better” country to live in.
Unfortunately, it was a TikTok video so he only had 15 seconds to make his case so I invited my family to continue the debate via Messenger.
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They piled on with all the enthusiasm and flip-flopping of Sonny Bill Williams weighing up which code he wants to play this week. Here’s a snapshot:
Little Bro (LB): “Kiwis are more willing to follow government advice.”
Big Bro (BB): “Australia has way better sports stadiums. NZ pinots are great, though Australia is better at shiraz” (you can see his proclivities).
LB: “Kiwis are more liberal — same sex marriage, women voting, women Prime Ministers, reconciling our past treatment of indigenous people.”
BB: “Both Auckland and Sydney airports are shite.”
LB: “New Zealanders don’t hate the English.”
BB: “Australians are way more obnoxious travellers.”
Really, I type back, how so?
BB: “They get more Australian when they travel. More patriotic. Noisier.”
I venture that this is a good thing then mum pipes up with a considered list of points.
M: “New Zealand has less traffic congestion, more stable government also single government, one house, means there’s no confusion between central and state government. The size of New Zealand $1 and $2 coins match their value, we give more recognition to women’s sport and here you can go to the mountains and the beach in one day.”
BB is unconvinced: “Why would you want to do that Mum?”
All three then consider the best things about Australia. We have better beaches, weather, shopping, sausages, public transport, tropical plants, kebabs and utes apparently. We’re also friendly and positive.
They’re impressed with how ScoMo has taken on China, how Jetstar revolutionised air travel in Oceania, how Australia thinks of itself as a powerful country while NZ regards itself as a small nation, and how if you dig a hole here you’re pretty much guaranteed to get rich.
Then BB weighs in: “Australia has smaller condoms though.”
I call bullshit. OK, he concedes, “just unsubstantiated speculation”.
There’s some talk of all the talented Kiwis who have left — Russell Crowe, Keith Urban, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, one of Rod Stewart’s former wives.
Yet, as I point out, some talented ones have gone back including actress Rebecca Gibney and former All Black fly-half Dan Carter.
One of us (OK, me) may have mentioned that no Wallaby in living memory has been as, ahem, enjoyable to watch as Carter.
I venture a few things which still make me nostalgic for New Zealand: Sam Neill; date scones; home baking generally; the landscape; Air New Zealand flight safety videos; feijoas; the midsummer light, saying “deck” and people not laughing, and the kid who plays Ricky Baker in Hunt For The Wilderpeople.
But Australia is home, the core of my heart and, but for in sport, I can’t play the two nations off any longer. It’s like choosing between your children when you know that both are delightful, idiosyncratic and infuriating in different ways.
It’s the same with our states and territories — there’s nothing to be gained by our tired yet ongoing rivalry rhetoric. Victoria is suffering and none of us should be crowing.
These are hard days we’re living through and rarely has there been more need for cohesion over division.
The pandemic is pummelling us on every front. Economically, socially and psychologically we are struggling but one day — who knows when — we will cross borders and seas again.
And just as we did on the shores at Gallipoli, we’ll once again celebrate our commonalities not our differences.
There is nothing I’d love more right now than to get on a plane to see my family in New Zealand. I miss them more than I ever have. My brother in Japan clearly feels the same.
“Do you know what I love best about Australia?” he messages, long after our banter has finished.
I watch the dots flicker as he types.
“My sister lives there.”
ANGELA LOVES …
PRINCESS ANNE
Despite describing herself as “the boring old fuddy-duddy who stands at the back” the Queen’s only daughter has proven herself to be the epitome of calm and care. She turned 70 yesterday; let’s hope she’s inherited her parents’ longevity genes.
UNDERPANTS
Am I the only one who thinks they need to revert to toddlerhood and start wearing underpants with the days of the week embroidered on them? Every day is Blursday right now.
FISH TACOS
My girls love tacos and I’ve discovered an easy hack. Prepare all the easy bits — avo, onion, tomato, lettuce, aioli — then order fish cocktails from your local fish and chip shop to pop on top. Takes the stress out of frying.
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