‘Mum, it’s time to leave Dad’: Kids convince Mum to leave DV

Domestic violence shelters are reporting an increase in the number of teenagers and mums in their shelters, thanks to a rise in DV education in schools.

Exclusive: “Mum, it’s time to go.” These words, when spoken by teenage sons and daughters, are increasingly serving as the catalyst for abused mothers to leave their violent partners.

Domestic violence shelters are reporting an increase in the number of teenagers and mums in their shelters, thanks to a rise in domestic violence education in schools.

Experts say domestic violence education in schools has empowered children, particularly teenagers, to convince their abused parents to leave.

Dannielle Miller heads up the domestic violence education program ‘Walk the Talk’.

She said she has seen an increasing number of teenagers recognise violence in their families and encourage parents to flee after conducting their program.

“There was a young girl who did our program and went home and said, ‘mum, we need to go, and she actually took her mum and ended up living in the shelter that her classmates were supposed to adopt,” she said.

Experts say domestic violence education in schools has empowered children, particularly teens, to convince their abused parent to leave. Picture: istock

Yet, it comes at a cost, not only for mum but for kids.

The same kids who encourage mums to flee to a shelter often pose risks to the safety of the refuge, making placement harder.

It’s something Yvette Vignado, CEO of Mary’s House women’s shelter, has experienced first-hand.

“It’s an issue that confronts every refuge in the sector,” she explains.

“It’s very tricky to take mums with teenagers into a refuge as we cannot guarantee that they won’t disclose the address to the perpetrator.

“We do, of course, take them but carefully assess risk. Taking teen boys is even harder as some women find the presence of older males challenging,”

She said this can be hard because “we often find that teens are the catalyst for a mum seeking out help.”

This is the reality for teen survivors living alongside their mothers in a shelter.

To escape violence, coercive control and toxic relationships means surrendering all pretence of a normal teenage life.

Social media, sharing your location with friends and even the simple act of inviting friends over for a sleepover. All must go in order to keep the location of a shelter a secret.

“Teens want to be on social media and connect with their friends, which is important when you’re going through trauma.

“But we have to ask them to keep their location completely secret, even from their best friend,” said Ms Vignado.

“They are the ones that have actually brought their mother to safety or persuaded them to seek help,” however, as Ms Vignado explains, in order to do so, they must sacrifice a normal teenage life.

“It’s a really difficult thing for any child to go through, let alone a teen at that time of life when you want to stay connected with your friendship groups,” she said.

Simple parts of teenage life such as having your own room, a place to study, and a kitchen to make midnight sleepover snacks, are gone.

“It is very rare that we would have a refuge where a teenager would have their own room — it would almost never happen.

Teens lives can change drastically after they persuade their mothers to leave the family home and move to a shelter. Picture: iStock

“They won’t have their own room, they will need to share with others. Teens can find themselves suddenly sharing with their mother and siblings.

“Most have shared bathrooms and shared cooking facilities,” she said.

Even regular parts of life like catching the bus to school and meeting their friend at a local restaurant are changed.

“They can’t make their best friend at the Corner Cafe. They can’t meet their best friend at the local station because their best friend shouldn’t know what suburb they’re in, let alone their address,” she said.

Sometimes, teens must change schools altogether in a bid to keep their family’s location a secret.

For teenage boys, finding refuge in shelters has added layers of difficulty. Their physical appearance can often be triggering for other women in the shelter, complicating placements.

“We have teen boys who also experience trauma and often are the ones that persuade their mum to leave.

“But they’ve gone through puberty, and they look like a grown man. Depending on who we have in the refuge at the time, that can be quite difficult to manage because some of these women just don’t want to be around men,” she said.

In those instances, it can mean turning down desperate mums and teenage sons and referring them to different services.

“Every case is handled differently, we always make sure that people find somewhere safe to go but can also be a challenge,” she said.

It’s a catch-22 — the more kids are educated on domestic violence, the more media attention to the issue, and the more kids are helping their parents flee.

But for every teen that spurs their mum to leave, there is one less room available in an already overcrowded system. Ms Vignado said shelters are struggling to keep up.

It’s the reason extra funding for self-contained shelters is so desperately needed.

“In the last few years, the government has provided some funding to create refuges where women can live in a self-contained way, which is really fantastic.

“That’s very expensive to do, but it’s really important especially for mothers with teens, really any family, to have a bit of privacy at that sort of very traumatic stage of their lives,” she said.

Ms Vignado said education prevention programs, especially those in schools, have significantly changed the way teens view safe relationships.

“The prevention programs and the education programs in schools in the media and in the community are very healthy and valuable because they are reminding children, teenagers in particular, about what a healthy relationship is.

“So when they see a relationship in their own home, even if it’s not physically violent, but if it’s emotionally abusive, financially controlling, if they see that happening at home they’re more likely to sit with the abused parent and tell them what they have observed.’
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