Married At First Sight: The five most infuriating things from episode 10
Is there anything more infuriating than a hypocrite? While Ines is fine to call Bronson disgusting for his former stripper status, she’s fine to drool over Sam’s dong on Instagram — that, and other things that infuriated me in this episode.
After Sunday night’s absolute poop fest (that’s not quite what I wanted to say but you get it) (rhymes with flit flow) where the C-bomb was dropped more than our collective jaws and a battered man was berated for doing so, we could do with a little bit of light in tonight’s episode.
Tonight they “move in together” in their “free apartments” with “no bills or responsibilities”. That ain’t real life.
Oh and I guess the pack of cameras, lighting and sound guys following you everywhere as well. In my apartment it’s just a tiny nanny cam in a — I’ve said too much.
And I’ve started ranting prematurely, so here are my top five moments of rage that I must now rant about at length.
Level one: Mild Annoyance
As they’re settling into their “real lives” human mop Heidi poses to polar opposite bald Mike “Do we do everything together? Do we do our shopping together? Are you going to eat all my food?”
“That’s right,” a stern bald Mike says. He just gets worse and worse.
On a divorce form in order of seriousness it should go: Adultery, liking another girl’s Instagram post, identity theft, long term murder plot, creating a Tinder profile, sleeping with mother and/or sister, eating my Vegemite shapes or leftover noodles. That’s me about done.
Level two: A sharp eyebrow raise
Nic and Cyrell went to dinner and Nic said he didn’t like public displays of affection. I recognise this. This is drunk drama. She packs her stuff in the middle of the night.
“I didn’t tell you to f**k off, I said you CAN f**k off,” he clarifies, clarifyingly.
“If you tell me to f**k off I WILL f**k off! I’ll f**k off like y’all never seen before! I’ll be the best f**ker offerer y’all ever god damn seen!” I think is what she replied.
He sits on the couch and tells the camera he’s not sure if she’s coming back. Then he tells the camera crew to f**k off before apologising and saying “Sorry mate, you’re not my wife, I shouldn’t talk to you like that”. The cameraman stays and they cuddle.
Predictably, she’s back the next morning once the drunk has passed and the hangover cuddles are required. It’s all super healthy.
Level three: Clenched fists
After Sam desperately tried to claw his way out of his “marriage” with Lizzie, but is forced to stay, he says “I’m stuck here now, I’m here for a week whether I want to be or not.”
Now Lizzie is trying to prove herself to Sam. “I’m a forgiving guy” he says.
Despite him calling her fat, bailing on her, emotionally manipulating her, mocking her then trying to bail on her again.
The control challenge comes along and Lizzie has control so she tries to give him a dose of his own medicine by leaving him completely alone, like he left her alone.
It might be a good idea if he gave even half a hoot about her. He is overjoyed.
“That’s going to kill me,” he says through the biggest grin we’ve seen on his face as he warms up the ol’ swipin’ thumb for a big day of Tinder.
Then Lizzie goes for a drank with Cyrell and this chick should not drink because she’s got our blonde mullety friend convinced that Sam and Ines are great people and that Lizzie needs to perform some grand gesture to make it up to them.
Am I overly spiteful or are these people out of control?
Level four: Cartoon rage lines
I think hypocrisy is perhaps the most infuriating quality a person can have. So for Ines to say that Bronson is “disgusting” for once being a stripper while she thirsts over a guy she has seen twice, gagging for him to “root” her (not my words people, the embodiment of class that is Ines Basic) — that is definitely making me mad.
I do not care about the “marriages” because they aren’t real marriages. It’s the hypocrisy!
They don’t “root” this episode, pretty sure that’s coming next episode (no pun intended) and honestly I wouldn’t care — it’s just the hypocrisy!!!
Level five: KFC FORGOT MY SPOON WHILE I’M TRYING TO SNEAKILY EAT POTATO AND GRAVY IN THE CARPARK
Writing out these Ines quotes got me too worked up and I was going to link them into some kind of cohesive ranty piece but my blood pressure is rising and I’ve broken two wine glasses with my bare hand.
Ines about Bronson: “If he thinks I’m the problem he’s so wrong.”
About marriage counselling: “I hope it gives some Bronson some insight into how much of an issue he is because obviously he is the problem, I’m not.”
About Bronson calling her the C-bomb twice after a week of emotional torture: “I just felt highly attacked, degraded and disrespected.”
When John Aiken asks if she could have been partly responsible for the blow-up: “No. I don’t regret anything. I honestly find it really hard to empathise with this situation because I feel a lot of it was Bronson’s doing. He needs to be more responsible for his actions.”
After Lizzie tries to apologise to Ines for yelling at her at the commitment ceremony, bringing chocolate as a peace offering: “I can’t take Elizabeth seriously because she looks like The Joker and Big Bird had a baby.”
Phwoar, woman. You are a serious piece of work. I’ll see you next time, I’m off to headbutt a brick wall out of rage.
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