Kerry Parnell: Johnny Depp gets a new set of teeth … finally

An Instagram picture of Johnny Depp is proof that the Pirates of the Caribbean star is starting to clean up his act.

I’m glad to see Johnny Depp is beginning to clean up his act, starting with his teeth.

This week, a picture came out of the Pirates of the Caribbean star in a bar in the Bahamas, with his trademark tattoos and drink, accessorised with shiny new teeth.

Fans had been troubled by the sight of his manky-looking, brown-stained teeth at last year’s Cannes Film Festival, which were more Black Pearl than pearly-white and worse than Captain Jack Sparrow’s.

It looks like Johnny, 61, scheduled a trip to his dentist, in the meantime. It’s a shame he couldn’t have kept the falsies he wore as Willy Wonka in the 2005 movie – his gleaming gnashers would have saved him a few dollars, as he could have just clicked them on when he went out.

Johnny Depp has surfaced on a holiday in the Bahamas after undergoing a major change. Check out the teeth. Picture: Instagram

It’s a thing – I took a flight recently, where I sat behind a British couple, who, let’s say, would have been at home on The Only Way is Essex and who had clearly started their holiday several hours earlier, in the airport bar. As we disembarked, the bloke got in a panic, shouting, “I’ve lost me teef,” whilst brandishing his empty case of snap-on veneers. The crisis was averted when his wife pointed out, “They’re in yer mowf, babe,” and they left, chuckling. See – now you don’t even need to fly to Turkey for new teeth, you can just order them from Amazon.

But seriously, there’s no need for rotten teeth – even Depp’s late buddy, The Pogues’ frontman Shane MacGowan, he of the worst teeth in rock and roll, had his fixed, by the end.

And even in today’s world where everyone is free to present themselves any way they want – including the nose-ringed optometrist assistant I saw, who had such filthy fingernails, my eye appointment was like participating in a bacterial tombola – I think we all need to agree on a basic level of human hygiene in society.

He had the worst set of teeth in rock’n’roll but even Shane MacGowan got a new set of gnashers before he died. Picture: Gie Knaeps/Getty Images

Perhaps we could draw up a charter of expectations; things like, ‘have a wash’ and ‘don’t let your teeth rot’, would be a solid start, followed by an armpit sniff-test for anyone taking a commuter train, or making it an offence to knock out your workmate with halitosis.

I often wonder why people close to those with heinous hygiene don’t gently inform them – why don’t wives, mates, or mothers point out blokes’ nostrils have turned into the Botanic Gardens, for example?

My family and friends certainly don’t hold back. My dad spotted a rogue chin hair from across the dinner table, recently, which was helpful. And some years ago, a friend informed me he and his mother had discussed my “dreadful front teeth.” This was somewhat confronting, as I had crowns, having knocked my front teeth out in an accident, as a child. And while my teeth certainly weren’t a Johnny Depp-level-disaster, they definitely were a British Dentistry Crime. Many thousands of dollars and two shiny new implants later, courtesy of an excellent Aussie dentist, my friend simply said, “About time.”

I appreciated his candour and would have thanked him, if we were still talking.