Kerry Parnell: Big impact from loving the littlest things in life

Few of us will have a life without loss or trauma at some point, but it is possible to move on from pain, not by burying it, but by folding it within you and growing it into something stronger.

Don’t ask me to recall what I did last Thursday, but the events of January 13, 2013, will be seared into my memory forever. That was the day, ten years ago, my infant son Teddy died.

Born with Neonatal Marfan syndrome, he had myriad problems in his nine short months. In December 2012, he underwent heart surgery at Melbourne’s The Royal Children’s Hospital and fought until his stricken body could cope no more.

Like a reel endlessly playing on a loop, I can still see that ICU room, with its bed and ventilator highlighted by beams of summer sun from the window. There’s his green blanket, gifted to him for Christmas, when Santa visited his bedside. I can hear the long, sorrowful sigh as the doctor exhales, disconnecting Teddy’s life support and myself describing to him how he would be able to sit, stand, walk and even run in the next life; all of which had been denied him in this one.

I watch the nurse turn away and look out of the window, at the trees in the park, as I sing Teddy to his final sleep. And then something goes wrong with the sound.

Teddy in hospital.

Back then, on that Sunday morning, a roaring began in my ears. I couldn’t hear anything as that kind male nurse handed over a bin bag with his belongings, leaning towards me and earnestly saying something.

I could make out his lips moving as he gave a nod and mouthed the word, “yes”.

There would be many words spoken in the weeks, months and years that followed – but I continuously wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what the ones were, he said.

There were more words a few weeks later, when, almost crushed by the weight of our grief, we visited a child bereavement counsellor and desperately asked her how long we would feel like this. “Five years,” she answered, honestly, taking us by surprise. She explained our grief would never leave, but over time, we would learn to live with it. She was right.

As a new year starts, so does another decade in my life. The last ten years involved endings and beginnings; we hit the lowest point possible, then began to rebuild, slowly.

The decade brought happiness again - sisters for Teddy, new jobs, new homes, but most of all, a new understanding of the meaning of life. The secret is very simple: make the most of the time you have, don’t waste a second. Few of us will have a life without loss or trauma at some point, but it is possible to move on from pain, not by burying it, but by folding it within you and growing it into something stronger.

Strive for what you want, but don’t be defined by others.

Find things which bring you joy and settle for a level of contentment which gives you peace. And when faced with betrayal or disappointment, you never forget, but you can forgive, lest you get mired in your misery Prince Harry-style. Finally, love the littlest things in life, as they have the biggest impact. Like Teddy.