Joe Hildebrand: Why Labor should be thankful for the free gift of Dorinda Cox

Dorinda Cox’s sadness brought untold joy to millions of Labor supporters presented with another surprise win – as well as everybody else simply happy to see the Greens implode even more, writes Joe Hildebrand.

One of Australia’s many blessings is that we have in our midst the most precious and abundant natural resource imaginable, something capable of bringing enough light and energy to power the whole nation.

I speak, of course, of Green Tears, a commodity that appears to be almost limitless and which always lies just below the surface.

Indeed, one doesn’t even need to bother extracting this wondrous life-giving substance. Miraculously, Green Tears simply produce themselves.

And so it was that Once Were Warrior Greens Senator Dorinda Cox presented herself at the door of Anthony Albanese and asked if she could join the Labor Party.

This was hardly a coup for the ALP – after all, coups tend to be orchestrated. Rather it was more like passing out on a couch at a party only to wake up at 3am to find a random hot chick inexplicably asking you to take her home.

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese announces former Green's Senator Dorinda Cox has joined the Labor Party. Picture: NewsWire/Philip Gostelow

Needless to say, Dorinda was powered by Green Tears. She was sad that she had missed out on the party’s deputy leadership and sadder still that she had been shafted from a winnable senate spot at the next election. Or, as she put it herself: “I have reached a conclusion after deep and careful reflection that my values and priorities are more aligned with Labor than the Greens”.

The depth of that reflection no doubt neatly maps onto the depth of her position on the Greens’ upcoming WA Senate ticket but let’s not let cynicism cloud this beautiful story of hope and renewal.

Dorinda Cox’s sadness brought untold joy to millions of Labor supporters. Picture: NewsWire/Martin Ollman

Point being, Cox’s sadness brought untold joy to millions of Labor supporters who were presented with yet another surprise win they had neither expected nor asked for, as well as millions of everybody else who were simply happy to see the Greens implode even more after losing their leader and three-quarters of their lower house seats at last month’s election.

The Good Lord tells us to be thankful for all of His multifold gifts – including, I recently discovered, NASCAR racing – and today a grateful nation offers those thanks.

And what a gift it is. Unlike Labor’s infamous and ultimately disastrous recruitment of Democrats leader Cheryl Kernot in the 1990s, nothing needed to be offered or promised to Cox. She came completely unbidden and without a price.

If Kernot was a tarnished trophy to be won, then Cox is more like a complimentary stubby holder. Sure, it might not be worth much but at least it’s free.

And then there is added benefit of the response from the ever-dwindling Greens party room. Such hair-pulling and chest-beating angst has been rarely seen outside a Trojan funeral and yet, like true Trojans, they carry on regardless.

But, as the Greens are quick to remind us, all fossil fuels are finite. And so it is always prudent to have an alternative energy source.

Thankfully Mother Gaia, in her ever-abundant wisdom, has provided another wellspring of national economic sovereignty.

I speak of course of Teal Tears, another endlessly renewable commodity that can power whole fleets of hybrid BMWs.

Zoe Daniels declared she had won, then refused to concede she had lost, and then lost while declaring she had actually won. Picture: NewsWire/Nadir Kinani

We saw this remarkable natural resource fuel Zoe Daniel’s campaign in the Melbourne seat of Goldstein, which she declared she had won, then refused to concede she had lost, and then lost while declaring she had actually won.

Indeed, so renewable are Teal Tears that Daniel’s loss immediately transferred to a Teal win 800km away in the Sydney seat of Bradfield. This is alchemy at its finest.

Thus the Teals’ gain at the last election was a masterclass in achieving their stated goal: Net Zero.

But it seems even alchemy needs a tailings dam. Because here is the run-off. In an election in which Peter Dutton lost even worse than Scott Morrison – the Patient Zero of the Teals’ self-righteous snuff pillows – they lost a seat and only managed to win another by just 27 votes.

Given Dutton’s standing among women and wet Libs, Bradfield should have fallen over in a stiff breeze and every other Teal seat should have been safer than a pig at Ramadan.

Instead Daniel lost, the hairdresser-whisperer in Bradfield might still face another recount, and even Captain Karen Monique Ryan went down to the wire in Kooyong.

You would hardly bet the house on her if Josh Frydenberg decided to mount the world’s most telegraphed comeback.

If the Teals struggled to hold their own with Dutton in charge, just imagine how they’ll go against the Libs with a moderate female leader at the helm – if she even lasts that long.

Either way, it is a great moment for Australia – or at least for those who actually like the place.

May these tears of sadness continue to bring us everlasting joy.