Joe Hildebrand: How Homer Simpson nailed the Greens
The Greens are about to find out why a Simpsons joke is so funny and the rest of us are going to be laughing for a very long time, writes Joe Hildebrand.
Opinion
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The most powerful political playbook isn’t Macchiavelli’s The Prince or Sun Tzu’s The Art Of War. It is The Simpsons.
In Episode 18 of Season 5, Homer and Marge are questioning a human “deprogrammer” about his ability to recover people who have been brainwashed. “I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings,” he states.
“You idiot!” yells Homer. “He was the most talented one!”
The Greens are about to find out why that joke is so funny and the rest of us are going to be laughing for a very long time.
Because the most fun thing about Adam Bandt’s removal from the parliament and the party leadership is it has instantly exposed the kindergarten caucus that is left.
Make no mistake, Bandt is an extremist obstructionist ideologue. But one thing he isn’t is stupid.
The bloke could string a sentence together and mount a borderline coherent argument for the Greens’ existence that appealed to their young, naive and far-left base.
This was often insane megalomania – such as his claims the Greens would rule in coalition with the Labor Party – but there were at least a few synapses firing.
There is far less electrical activity in the Greens’ hive mind today – although, to their new leader’s great credit, she doesn’t have a hyphenated surname.
That sets her apart from literally half the Greens party room, which tells you everything you need to know about the perils of upper middle-class socialism.
Even after the much-celebrated departure of Max Chandler-Mather, the Greens still managed to increase their quota of double-barrelled pretention – another stunning result of the last election.
Sarah Hanson-Young, Penny Allman-Payne, Peter Whish-Wilson, Jordon Steele-John, Elizabeth Watson-Brown and Steph Hodgins-May must be wondering what they’re doing wrong. Apart from being whiter than a polar bear in a snowstorm, probably not much.
However to be fair to Waters, she is whiter than them all. Blonde-haired and blue-eyed and effortlessly telegenic, she is the friendly face of neo-socialism that the commie-curious voters of Australia can finally get behind.
But this is an appalling racial slur on my part. Why does race or ethnicity have anything to do with a person’s capability to lead? Shouldn’t all positions be considered on merit?
Perhaps they once were in the Greens, whose last two leaders were straight white men. And perhaps they are again, with Waters beating the only contender of colour – Mehreen Faruqi – for the leadership.
Still, at least the Greens have a storeyed history of diverse leadership, such as Bob Brown and Christine Milne and … Er, let’s start over.
Sure, that’s a lot of Anglo in the whole fandango. But just because you keep electing white leaders doesn’t make you racist. It’s all about individual choices. It’s not like there are any sinister systemic forces.
As the multitude of munchers on Scooby snacks might say: Ruh-roh!
Because in response to an inquiry into anti-Semitism last year – or, in impeccable bureaucratese, an “Inquiry into a Commission of Inquiry” – the Greens declared:
“Racism is pervasive, systemic and institutional in Australia, with its roots in this nation’s bloody colonial history tainted with dispossession and violence against First Nations people. This is why the Greens have prioritised combating racism in all its forms and are the only party to have established a stand-alone antiracism portfolio.”
So the Greens believe that racism is “systemic and institutional” and in their own institutional system they have knocked over the only contender of colour for the leadership. And guess who wrote that towering declaration of the Greens’ unstoppable stance against racism? Yes, none other than spurned leadership contender Mehreen Faruqi herself.
Helpfully, the Greens have also proposed a new body to wipe out such “entrenched” racism.
“The Workplace Racial Equity Agency will provide the proactive focus needed to eliminate racism in workplaces. Systemic and entrenched racism in workplaces is not going to go away by itself, it needs concerted effort,” the party said in a statement this year.
The evidence of this racism? Not enough diversity in the ranks!
“It boggles my mind that in 2025, when racism is rife in this country that a majority of the
ASX Corporate Governance Council would vote down diversity reporting rules. It is time to drag workplaces to the table whether they like it or not.”
And whose mind is being boggled by this hotbed of bigotry? Yes, it is once more our spurned Senator Faruqi. Perhaps she should try her luck with One Nation.
Call me crazy, but I’m just not sure the next few years are going to be a golden era of peace and stability for the Greens – who, for the sake of truth in advertising, should change their name to the Reds or the Whites.
So vale Adam Bandt, the poor man’s Paul McCartney. And the band he’s leaving behind sure ain’t The Beatles.
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