Is there any point in living longer if you don’t have fun along the way? | David Penberthy

Ever wondered how much more time you’d get if you never touched another chocolate? Now we know, writes David Penberthy.

Grandpa had lived a long and happy life until he was 83 when he died suddenly after being struck down by a Violet Crumble.

So too with Grandma. Fighting fit into her late eighties when she went in a similar way.

Killed by a KitKat.

These were the chilling scenarios painted this week by those zany funsters at Monash University with the release of their landmark study showing that eating ultra processed food – even one chocolate bar a day – can hasten your appointment with the Almighty.

In passing, why do journos always call studies “landmark” studies?

You wouldn’t bill them as “slapdash” studies or “half-arsed” studies would you?

It’s like “well-placed sources” in political stories, masking the fact that the sources often aren’t well-placed at all, but peripheral, self-interested sources who love the sound of their own voice.

Sorry to digress. Maybe all those chocolate bars have given me ADHD.

While silent on the ADHD question, the Monash study was big on the concept of death, and emphatic that the following foods should be avoided at all costs.

Chips, carbonated drinks, instant noodles, ice cream, chocolate, biscuits, ready-to-eat meals, sausages, burgers, chicken and fish nuggets, sweet or savoury packaged snacks and energy bars.

Or to put it another way – the only foods most children are willing to eat.

It’s not just the children they’re worried about at Monash, it’s the adults too. Apparently, even the consumption of one chocolate bar a day is dicing with death.

The bit I don’t understand is this. According to the report, the consumption of what the Monash Department of Fun defines as “ultra processed” foods increases your biological age by 2.4 months.

Ten weeks. That doesn’t sound that scary at all, does it?

My reading of that figure is that if you’re 75 years old, but indulge in too much Cadbury Fruit and Nut, you actually have the body of a person who is 75 years and 10 weeks old.

It is the least frightening prospect on earth.

It’s like the opposite of taking meth, where a 30 year old woman can look like an old crone within months of consumption, or the cat’s bum lips you get courtesy of smoking too many darts, not to mention the other deleterious effects of smoking which have been thoroughly documented with packed graveyards to reinforce their point.

But as we approach this season of excess, the Monash study suggests that perhaps some of our friends in the health lobby have simply run out of stuff to worry about.

But here’s a more important point.

Can someone do a study of the impact on our wellbeing and lifespan of happiness?

Is there a competing benefit to be derived from the release of endorphins via the savoury delights of sugar and salt?

It should be clear by now that I am not a nutritionist. But I do know a bloke called Henry Young.

Henry, readers may recall, is that legendary Adelaide bloke who is the world’s oldest tennis player. Henry just turned 101.

Henry Young, right, on his 100th with Michael Donaldson, 90, at the South Parkland Hockey & Tennis Centre. Mr Young previously played tennis in January in the "Clash of the Centurions" with Ukranian counterpart Leonid Stanislavskyi. Picture: Naomi Jellicoe

He plays at least three times a week and a few years ago famously challenged another tennis-mad centurion, Leonid Stanislavsky, to a charity match to raise money for victims of the war in Ukraine.

I asked Henry to share his secret to longevity.

Aside from a warning against consorting with loose women, Henry said he made a point of drinking 8 litres of Farmers Union Iced Coffee a week.

For those of you not familiar with Farmers Union Iced Coffee, it’s a delicious South Australian treat, the key ingredients being sugar, full-fat milk and coffee flavouring.

And there’s reckless Henry drinking more than a litre of the stuff a day.

With this kind of devil may care attitude Henry may in fact have the body of a 101 year and 11 week year old, based on the Monash warnings about doing anything entertaining.

Here’s the other thing.

What do you want to get out of life?

Is there a point where a life so structured and regimented and devoid of joy is barely worth living?

Much has been written about the so-called blue zones, the regions of the world where people have a diet that leads to unparalleled longevity.

One of the best known is the Greek island of Ikaria.

I love Greek food and I bought the Ikaria cookbook by Diane Kochilas which chronicles the poverty-driven plant and legume-based diet of the people of Ikaria. It’s a fascinating read and has several good recipes in it.

The village of Evdilos on Ikaria island, Greece. Picture: iStock

But overall, the secret to longevity on Ikaria seems to be that the womenfolk spend about 10 hours a day foraging for weeds while their husbands play backgammon and drink coffee at the local kafenio.

And frankly, if eating a kilogram of stewed stinging nettles every night is the recipe for living, I’ll stump for an earlier death.

The other thing though with all this chocolate-flavoured alarmism.

It is an indisputable fact that we are living longer than we ever have before.

Life expectancy for Australian men stood at 51 in 1900, 70 in 1960, and 83 today.

A period which, interestingly, overlaps with the explosion in the consumption of ultra-processed food.

Imagine how long we would be living without the chocolate bars.

Imagine trying to get a bed at your local hospital. Or a spot in aged care.

With an ambulance ramping crisis gripping every state in Australia, every health minister has an unstated private hope that people keep dying.

Despite the trends from 1900 onwards – and again, I say this with no obvious health qualifications – we are still all going to die one day.

We might as well do it with a smile on our faces.

Have a great Christmas folks. Eat whatever you like. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you in the New Year.

Originally published as Is there any point in living longer if you don’t have fun along the way? | David Penberthy