Grey nomads: Nitpicking, clique-forming and as tight-arsed as they are at home

Angela Mollard did a deep dive on van lifers and grey nomads. She found it’s not all glorious global wanderers, but smelly, clique-forming travellers as tight-arsed and dull as they are back home.

Idyllic or irritating? Scratch beneath the surface and vanlife isn't quite as Instaperfect as the pictures might have you believe. Pictures: Supplied

Some watch make-up tutorials, others follow fashion influencers, and from what I can tell the blokes get off on surfing wipe-outs and animals eating each other.

My Instagram obsession? Van lifers.

I follow loads of them, saving their videos of secret paths to hidden beaches in Mallorca and the stunning national parks in America that you “must” see before you die.

These itinerants and nomads are always smiling, always eating something delicious and always loved up with their partner as they frolic in the wilderness.

Even when there’s a tear in the gingham curtain in their van, they good-naturedly film themselves stitching it back together.

In suburbia, up to my eyes in laundry, deadlines and bill-paying this is my crack; my post-work dream of an idyllic life on the road.

The dream of the big lap: a campervan travelling on near Mt Zeil in Northern Territory. Picture: iStock

I fully intend to become a blonde nomad (dye will cover the greys).

Which is why watching Netflix’s gripping documentary on van lifer Gabby Petito has left me blindsided.

DEADLY DOCO

The show documents how behind the Instagram images of sweeping canyons and isolated hot springs, 22-year-old Gabby was in an abusive relationship with her fiancé Brian Laundrie. Days before her death, observers called the police when they saw Brian slapping Gabby.

The footage from a police body camera is chilling and foreshadows what is to come.

But that’s not all.

Instagram images of Brian Laundrie and Gabby Petito chronicled their adventures and hid a dark secret. Picture: Supplied

What the documentary illuminates is that these travel influencers are frauds.

Forget the kisses under waterfalls and throwing the van doors open to a glorious sunrise with no one else around.

Stop imagining that they’re cooking bowls of hearty chilli over the campfire and playing guitars as the sun sets.

I’ve done a deep dive on van lifers and grey nomads and discovered these folk are not glorious global wanderers, but menaces who defecate in our national parks, hog the barbecue in camping sites, argue incessantly, blag Wi-Fi in public libraries and complain when they can’t get a discount in the local RSL.

A video grab from the Moab City Police Department shows a police officer investigating an incident between Gabby Petito and her boyfriend, Brian Laundrie. Picture: Supplied

Gabby cried ceaselessly as she was quizzed by police about the fight with Laundrie when the pair was pulled after reports of a man slapping a woman.

While American Murder: Gabby Petito reveals what happened to the influencer — including manufactured romantic moments and tensions over time spent editing content — it’s also prompted others to be honest about van life.

Katie Diederichs who blogs at Two Wandering Soles warns those considering building their own van and waking up in “epic places looking like a sun-kissed goddess” it’s all a ruse.

To prove it she and her partner set up a shot in a National Park which shows them lying in bed looking out a sparkling lake.

The truth? Not only are you not allowed to camp there but in that moment they hadn’t showered for four days.

She catalogues the challenges, including finding a place to park, spending half your day finding a toilet or emptying the composting toilet, endless dishwashing, extreme temperatures, breakdowns, break-ins and having a pee cup next to your bed at night.

You can also get fed up with your van mate, especially when they smell.

ENTER THE GREY NOMAD

It’s the same with grey nomads who are often depicted as intrepid Boomers “living their best life” but in truth they’re as nitpicking, clique-forming, tight-arsed and dull as they were back at home in Camellia Close.

Several nomad mates have relayed seeing domestic violence play out and one will never forget his dog eating rotten fish on the beach then vomiting the remains into their clothes bags on the campervan floor.

I love Helene Hipp’s recollections of working with her husband in a tourist venue in northern Australia during their “big lap” of the country.

Painting grey nomads as “rude, arrogant and demanding” she says they sat around the campfire “moaning” and declaring Kakadu, a world heritage area, a “waste of time”.

She says behaviour, particularly from older travellers, is getting worse each year and had some amusing advice for readers of the greynomads.com.au website.

Don’t arrive at 5pm in a gang, she wrote, and expect to get powered sites next to each other.

If you choose to travel 800km a day with no breaks, don’t be grumpy and rude because you are tired, she advised.

Gtey nomads have many gripes about travelling. Those who deal with them appear to have just as many.

And my favourite: “If the sign says ‘no pets’ – that means no pets. Yes, your dog may be ‘special’, small and better behaved than the Queen’s corgis, but the sign still says ‘no pets’.”

On another chat group a pub owner complained of grey nomads turning up for the $10 dinner on discount night but refusing to buy drinks.

Others complained about constant theft including, unbelievably, the hose used to clean out compostable loos.

As someone who had a brief foray into van life back in 2019, I’m devastated.

Sure, anyone seeing pics of me and my mate Camilla eating pizza beside a Norwegian lake surrounded by purple lupins might’ve thought we were living the dream.

Truth was, we’d been eating packet mushroom soup for days, sleeping in soulless gravel-strewn carparks, tripping over each other’s shoes and desperately trying to find public toilets before we wet ourselves.

I thought it was because we were newbies.

Apparently not. #vanlife is actually #scamlife. A motel room has never looked more appealing.

ANGE’S A-LIST:

SPIT POLISH: David Wenham steps back into the thongs of one of his most memorable characters in his new movie Spit (cinemas). Wenham stole the show with his portrayal of junkie Johnny Spiteri in the 2003 crime caper Getting’ Square and Spit picks up his story after 20 years on the run. Funny, touching and superbly acted by Wenham, Spit takes its place alongside The Castle as an Aussie classic.

AWESOME ORZO: Often called risoni, this tiny pasta is so easy to cook with. I love it in Yotam Ottolenghi’s orzo with prawns, tomato and feta and @simple.home.edit on Instagram has posted her chicken meatballs with creamy, garlicky risoni sauce all made in one pan.