Angela Mollard: Freeloaders and super fans: Which Taylor Swift ticket type are you?

Forsaking the friendship bracelets, some turned the chase for Taylor Swift tickets almost into a blood sport. Some have tickets to every show, uncaring that others missed out. Others are just along for the (free) ride

Anyone else titillated by the Taylor tantrums? Not hers obviously. She’s a sweetheart.

Look, I know it’s not in the spirit of Swiftie fandom, but as a NTH (non-ticket holder) for the greatest show since the gladiators tried to chop each other’s heads off in 2nd century Rome, I’m highly amused by the furore going down over Taylor tickets.

Having spent all of about 26 minutes in the Ticketek holding room before giving up in favour of a cuppa and a tuna sandwich, I’m at peace with being a Swiftie no-show.

I was fortunate to see Taylor with my daughters during her Red Tour in 2013 so I’m happy to give others a chance, not least our Prime Minister who popped along on Friday night.

Yes, very magnanimous of me but as the Eras tour has quietly *ahem* unfolded in Australia it’s clear that Ms Swift has unleashed the biggest catfight between the “haves” and “have nots” since Labor took the crackdown on franking credits to the 2019 election.

Review: Re-live night one of Taylor Swift’s first concert in Sydney

Swift in action during the Melbourne leg of her Eras tour. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Jake Nowakowski

Anyway, what has become apparent is that for all the joyous friendship bracelet-sharing and collective crying and sparkly dress wearing (Albo aside), the Swifties are a diverse bunch with very different motivations.

Here’s my research-based, peer-reviewed analysis of the eight types of Taylor Swift fan.

Fan gallery: Night one of Taylor Swift’s Sydney tour

THE RUSTED-ON FOLLOWER

Secured a ticket by demanding everyone she knows, including her workmate’s mother’s sister, sit online for half a day trying to get through.

Played Love Story for the first dance at her wedding, spent her last holiday ranking Swift’s collabs from best to worst (Highway Don’t Care with Tim McGraw and Keith Urban came in top) and called her firstborn Taylah (didn’t want to be too obvs).

Hates Kanye.

THE TIPSTER

Had a ticket to the first Melbourne show, posted seven videos showing how close they were to the stage and justified the subsequent social media dump as a public service announcement. Posts began with “not wanting to boast but thought it might be helpful …” then proceeded to give details on when to queue for merch, when best to go to the toilet, how to keep your phone charged and what shoes to wear.

THE OBSESSIVE

Has tickets for all seven Australian shows and is not ashamed to say so.

“People have called me greedy and selfish and have said people missed out because of me,” says Jake Wagenfeller, 23, from Adelaide who has spent just shy of $10,000 on tickets, travel and accommodation.

“I don’t see it like that,” he continued. “I’m an empath, so I feel for people who missed out altogether but if someone else had the same chance, they would do the same thing.”

Obsessives can’t afford a car, which is lucky, because they’re likely to find tyres slashed. Generally, regard Mean as their favourite song. Complain about not being able to afford a house.

THE FREELOADER

TV or radio host so got free tickets ("it’s OK because the network gave other tickets to teens with cancer”).

Slightly miffed that host from rival station has a box when they only have A Reserve. Very miffed at having to buy own drinks.

Takes along four-year-old who falls asleep three songs in. Posts pic of four-year-old asleep. Loses 3000 Insta followers overnight. Shakes it off.

THE MUM FAN

Actually wet herself when she managed to get two tickets. Travelled from remote Tassie to Melbourne with her 12-year-old who spent the entire journey making friendship bracelets and screaming “OMG”. Batch cooked zucchini slice for the road trip. Stayed with a family friend in regional Victoria whose own daughter looked murderous with envy. Has watched Miss Americana 23 times and regards Andrea (Taylor’s mum) as a role model. Wore an incontinence pad to the concert.

THE TOUGH LOVER

Didn’t try to get tickets and explains to anyone who will listen (mostly her husband) that missing out builds resilience. Tells her teen twins excitedly that she has purchased family tickets to James Taylor instead. In a vineyard. “We can make a weekend of it and go to those nice gardens as well”. Has been kept awake most nights by the sound of crying. Mostly her own. On Friday she broke the parenting accomplishment she is most proud of and bought her children McDonalds for the first time. Has put the equivalent price of the Swift tickets in a bank account labelled “For Therapy”.

THE BOYFRIENDS

Kudos to the poor guy who printed out the lyrics to Swift’s entire set list so he could sing along with his girlfriend. Ditto to those happily wearing the XL Travis Kelce jersey she bought you for Valentine’s Day when you’re, in fact, XS. It can’t be easy being the third wheel when your girlfriend’s significant other is Taylor but those guys who timed their proposal for the “Marry me Juliet” line in Love Story deserve an all-expenses paid fishing trip in return.

THE REGRETTERS

Pretend we don’t care but secretly riddled with FOMO. Yes, OK, me.